Today I was diagnosed

So today i was diagnosed with:

- Binge Eating Disorder

- Bulimia Nervosa

- Anorexic tendencies

That brings my total to:

- Depression

- Anxiety

- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

- Binge Eating Disorder

- Bulimia Nervosa

- Anorexic tendencies

Today was my second appointment with the eating disorder specialist, it was ok, he just asked heaps of questions, took my height and weight and other measurements, blood pressure etc. Next week I have to go back for a blood test then he will figure out a plan of action.

I haven't been to school in a week. I don't want to, and now I don't want to even more as I will have so much to catch up on, its a vicious cycle.

I might write more later

xxx

Today...

First I'll reply to some comments:

Summer Rose- Me saying would I be rich and famous? was me exaggerating, of course I know that me not having an eating disorder wouldn't magically make me famous. Happiness comes from within so once we are happy with ourselves, we can be happy overall. Also, I tried to look at your blog and its in another language???

Eibbroc- Yes I suppose it would be quite nice to be normal when you put it like that

xx

So, today I am, off to work then tafe, I'm sure it will be thrilling! not

I will go to the gym after tafe so its not all bad.

Shit, I better get ready, post more later

xxxx

Is there more to life...?

So, I've been told repeatedly and I have read that there is more to life then disordered eating. I am that fucked up that I can't think of what that is. Is eating 'normally' and being an average weight all that great? I wouldn't know.

So what are some of the great things that I would have in my life if I didn't have an eating disorder? Would I be rich and famous? Would everyday bring new amazing thrills?

I guess people mean that I could live a 'normal' life, without my every thought being about food and kjs.

Would it be that good?

I would like to know I guess

Eating Disorder Specialist

firstly I shall reply to some comments

Sarah- My weigh in was ok, but I didn't get there, only 0.3kgs down, oh well its a loss! thanks for the comment

Eibbroc- Thanks! It's nice that someone can appreciate the beauty that tattoos can hold when they have true meaning. thanks for the comment

So, I'm 9.4kgs down, good, but not enough.

I saw an eating disorder specialist yesterday, I told him straight out that I don't want to get better, but I agreed to keep seeing him, to keep mum happy. My therapist Sally, gave me a book to read 'Fat is a Feminist Issue: The Anti Diet Guide' and I'm really not interested. I don't care if women are more concerned with their weight then men, I don't care. It's that I'm concerned with me. I will read it though, I don't like to let people down.

I went to the gym last night will Lissy, thank god. It's about time I got my fat ass to the gym! It was nice to be there again. Especially because I was almost 10kgs lighter then the last time I was there and because I was there with my best friend!

Today I've eaten:

- celery- 60kjs

- tuna 300kjs

- light ice cream 300kjs

- smothie thing 270kjs

total= 1067kjs

talk later =]

Goal weight one

Yesterday 25/7/10 was the date I had set to lose 10kgs by, last time I checked which was about 3 or 4 days ago I had lost 9.1kgs so I hope I've lost it, I'll check tomorrow.

I would like to be as light as a feather, to float away, to be lifted so easily, to be beautiful

I have therapy today, joy joy joy! She wants me to see an eating disorder specialist.

I don't know what to do

Amazing people

I wanted to share with the world the people who I value most in life, firstly, theres Elissa, my little Lissy, she so fragile and so beautiful. She is my rock, my support system, my best friend, my sister. What would I be without her? Nothing probably. She helped pull me up from my darkest hour and she lives the struggle with me everyday. Every. Single. Day. I know I can tell her anything and she will completly understand.

Next is Connor. He is so strong, so, alive. He is such a beautiful person who I am so lucky to have. He is the love of my life and I think I will be with him forever. Over the past year he has pulled me up from the depths of my own living hell multiple times, into his arms. He knows me, the real me, very few people know that person. He loves me for who I am and doesnt try to change me. He just wants me to be healthy.

Last is my beautiful family, I would have had a pretty sad childhood without my sister Laura. I would be having a terrible life now wothout my adoring mother, and caring father.

Going ok

Today I've eaten:
- 5 biccies (I'm getting better)
- 1 baby food
- 1 apple
- 2 pepsi max
- 1 tea
total = 1750kjs (416cals)

thats not to bad considering I've been binging a lot

I think I'm going to go and visit my friend who is having an operation this friday, we are both very depressed latley and we want to cheer each other up. I don't care about missing school either.

oh well hopefully I'll just have some baby food for dinner and nothing else =]

Inspiration

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels

Fridge pickers wear big nickers

If you aren't thin, you aren't attractive

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips

Do you want to be fat forever?

Inner beauty is for fat people

The less you eat, the less you weigh

Eat to live, don't live to eat

I would rather skinny dip then chunky dunk

Eat for the body you want, not for the body you have

Hunger hurts but starving works

xxx

I suck

so, I've already eaten like, 10 biccies today and its my sisters 21st tonight so I will be drinking... dam.
I will have a plain salad a bit later and then hopefully nothing else.

My best friend, Lissa who also has an eating disorder, is amazing. She can go for so long without food, when were together its so much easier for me not to eat.

I think I'm going to get "do you believe in something beautiful? then get up and be it" tattooed on me. I already have one tat that means choose life which i got when i was so depressed I was suicidal and i thought it was a good message for me to have. Then I have two small hearts behind my ear which I have matching with Lissa to remind us of all the things we have been through together, good and bad. All my tats have to mean something, even if they don't have the same meaning when I'm older, I want to be able to think back and remember how much each one meant to me.

I have now lost a total of 8.6kgs

Shitty shit

today I ate-

- 14 biscuits
- kit kat chunky
- 2 minute noodles
- lean cuisine meal

I hate myslef

the other day, my boyfriend said to me, "you fasting is disgusting"

WTF??????

My replt was "so you think its disgusting that i dont eat but its ok for people to go and shove greasy food like Mcdonalds down their throats???"

He felt bad after but it still pisses me off

Tomorrow I'm back on the baby food as i have no self cotrol with anything else

xxx

update

Today i am at work, it's very boring.

I've been doing a two day on two day off fast since saturday. Today is an eating day and i feel like such a failure, even though I'm supposed to eat!! I feel like i should just not eat.

I might start a 7 day diet that i found, it sounds pretty good and i want something interesting.

I feel sick and full, I hate it