A question, winner gets a cuddle

How many people do you think I have had sex with? Want to know anything else? Just ask!

P.s

I think you should all go back to the beggining of my blog and look at the post where I talk about the special people in my life. Read the descriptions for Connor and Elissa, two people who are no longer in my life. I can't believe how much things have changed. Does that not make your heart hurt? It makes mine ache

music

Hello my pretties,
How are you all? Please tell me how you are, if you are great tell me! If you feel like shit, tell me also!
I am feeling... optimistic. I feel as though everything will be ok. I guess I am just choosing to not think about the bad things.
Mum is getting really annoying. She keeps wanting to hang out with me all the time, I know it sounds mean but I would rather sit alone in my room and talk to boys haha.
Anyways I guess I'm just letting you guys know I'm still alive
xxx

Red nails

You guys I had the most amazing realisation ever!!!!!! I have been so depressed and moody lately and I've been having sex but I haven't had an orgasm in ages. Well last night my friend Tim came over and oh. my. fucking. god. he went down on me and omg, best orgasm. Anyway I've been in such a good mood ever since hahahaha

So I guess thats the answer to moodiness!!

Replies for my sweets

Pixiestix014- hahaha ok you fly me out and we will dance the night away! Where do you livee anyway? Yes I still have hope that things will get better, even if it does happen slowly and painfully, as long as today is just a little better then yesterday.
Goal_Thin- Thank you so much for the kind words xxx
Eloise18- Wishing you could help and letting me know that is enough for me. Its beautiful to think that someone somewhere gives a shit if I live or die xxx
Pixiestix014- I don't believe I'm loved, wanted or desired, at least never by the one I want haha
Mich- hahaha the world is my fat free oyster!! I love you for saying that hahahah
Broken_Mirrors- Its ok that you don't know what to say, saying anything lets me know someone cares xxx
Ava-Rose- Yeah I'm glad I have you guys to read my shitty posts haha. I love quotes like that calorie one, they make me giggle
BellaAna- You honestly made me feel so so so so much better, after I read what you said I though thats so true! Theres no way I can spend my life worrying about other people or I will never be happy. I can't thank you enough, you made me feel like so much less of a monster
Broken_Mirrors- hahah mum knows best! I took her advice, I feel bad as I wasn't completly honest but oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it
Eloise18- Yes I am almost 100% sure that thats what I'm doing. I do it all the time. Everytime someone gets close to me I immideatly push them away because I think I don't deserve them. I don't deserve to have nice people around me.
Mich- hahaha the way you put it sounds darkly romantic, but in reality I don't think it is, I think it hurts poeple



Does anyone read the replies??

xx

Bitchy McBitch

Hey guys, thanks for all the nice comments on my last post, your all lovely. But the truth is, I'm a horrible person. You remember the guy I told you I was seeing Jordan? Well he is a lovely guy, very nice, funny, attractive. Well anyway we have plans this weekend to go away for my work, stay in a hotel and just hang out etc. But now I've decided I'm not into him anymore. I don't know why, I just don't want to see him anymore. He has told me about all these girls that have fucked him over and now I will be one of those girls. I haven't even told him yet. Mum says I should just tell him my boss found out I was bringing him and said no, that she meant I could bring a girlfriend along. But then he will still think I'm interested in him. I don't know what to do. Sighhhh, I'm such a bitch.

Stop breathing

You guys, I feel like shit. I'm sick of this. I feel so helpless. So needy. So alone.

tyna make things work but damn these times are hard

I wish things could be different, that I was different. Why am I this way?

shes all curled up in bed with a broken heart

I want to be wanted, to be loved, to be disired.

Replying to the lovers

Sarah- I know but its so diffucult to not shut people out. Friends ask awkward questions when you don't want to eat. My sister says I make her feel bad when I don't want to eat and she does. What am I supposed to do?
Pixiestix014- Lol yes I love clubbing!! If were ever in the same country, lets go! I'm not sure whay I'm sad. I guess it's a few different things: loneliness, being fat, being afraid of whats going to happen next year. I'm sure I'll be ok, I just wish things were a little different.
Tracy- I know I sometimes get into the thought pattern of 'I'm young, I should be having fun, I should be happy' but I have been told to many times that I have experienced more pain and suffering then most people go through their whole lives, so really I don't feel young. I have hope and faith that someday I will be happy, but I believe the only way to achieve that is to reach it from within
Sarah- I guess the exam could have been worse, at least I showed up hahaha

Quotes

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful, the day I chose not to eat, what I do know is how I changed my life forever, I know I should know better

Do you believe something beautiful? Then get up and be it

fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self control, I know how hard you try, I see it in your spine

Whats eating you alive, might help you to survive

Won't anybody here, just let you disappear?

Not doctors nor your mum and dad, but me and mia and an ana, know how hard you try

Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to fight transcendence, fighting to survive, more dead but more alive

I want to feel my bones on your bones

Every boy wants a body to die for, and girl who's thin is his rival, I wish I had a body to die for, skinny is sexy big isn't beautiful

Skinny is sexy, sweet anorexia

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star, to pray on or wish on or something like that

hunger hurts, but I want him so bad oh it kills, hunger hurts but starving works

He said its all in your head and I said so's everything but he didn't get it

I hate myself, but I love you

I had a whole in my heart, so I threw away my plate, coz nothing would fill me up, whatever I ate

Fading away coz theres nothing I can do

My baby, I'm hungry

Whenever I think, I think of you

Don't forget what it really means to hunger strike when you don't really need it, some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours

I can't breath but I still fight while I can fight

Sophie cannot finish her dinner, she says shes eaten enough, Sophie's trying too make herself thinner, she says shes eaten to much

Sophies losing weight by the minute, how did things get this bad?

Her sister won't stop crying, coz her father says shes dying

Calorie- A unit of measure that tells how good a food tastes

That made me laugh

Eat less, weigh less

So far today-
Diet ginger beer- 116kjs (27cals)
Small muffin- 600kjs (142cals)

I just got back from my 2nd exam and it went terribly. I didn't know any of the answers. I wasn't expecting it to go well though as I didn't put any effort into study. I don't really care.

I think I will go back to bed.

Next time I am in a good mood I will be sure to post immediately as all the posts I've done lately have been depressing

Beautiful Disaster

I started crying for no reason. Mum asked what was wrong. I said I was sad. I need to go back to hospital. I really just hate myself.

I'm seeing someone new. His name is Jordan and he is 20 years old. He is a very nice boy. My only problem with him is he is so opinionated and arguementative. At the same time it makes him interesting, but it gets annoying.

I went out last night clubbing. Got home at 5am, had to get up at 10am. I'm. So. Tired.

I'll catch up on your blogs soon

x

Sitting in an empty room

I have let my eating get out of control, what an idiot. Its so hard to get on top of things when you've let yourself go. But today is the day to turn it around. Today I will eat baby food and strawberries. I'm going out for dinner with my dad tonight so hopefully I can just get a salad.

Its so much easier to not have friends when you have an ED, friends make you eat. Friends want to go out for lunch, have snacks while watching movies, go out for dinner etc. Its so difficult to continuously make up excuses, it gets so obvious.

I have my first exam in less then an hour and I have done no study. Even now I know I'm screwed but here I am blogging instead of trying to cram some knowledge into my brain. What a fool.

I will try to post pics of my tats soon =]

xx

Replies to my beauties

Eloise18- I am in the same position, I'm supposed to stop seeing mine as I'm 18 but she has said she will keep seeing me if I need her. She is so lovely. I hope you will find someone else if you need it
Pixiestix014- Thank you! The job interview went well I think. I hope...
Acka11- I both agree and disagree with what you said. Firstly, yes its human nature to want the company of others and to interact, but is it human nature to feel like you can't function without a significant other? I don't think it is. People who are mentaly stable may want a relationship, but can still cope without one. Do you agree? xx
Mich- Yes I think I would be terribly bored if I weren't crazy. And why would people want to read the blog of a boring person hahahah

Cheap bottles of wine

Hello everyone,
How are you all?
I hope you are all swell.
I feel like a fucking crazy person.
I guess I am.
I know I am.

Tracy- Is it worth going through your life with a husband that feels alone? Reconnect, remember why you fell in love. I dont know what else I can say, I wish I could help

Sorry that Tracy is the only person I'm replying to right now, but her comment really touched me. And I'm so fucking exhausted I will have to do the replies tomorrow.

xxx

When your day is long

when you think you've had enough, of this life, to hang on

don't let yourself go, coz everybody crys, yeah everybody hurts, sometimes

sometimes everything is wrong

I have been feeling very empty. Very alone. I cried so much last night. I couldn't stop. I kept thinking about how I wish I had someone to hold me. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to kiss. I kept thinking about Connor. About how he always held me so tight when I was crying. Once he held me all night while I cried. I used to cuddle up to his chest and he would wrap his arms around me. He would always keep me warm.

Fuck I hate this. Why am I so dependable on others? Like I always need someone to rescue me. I feel like I can't be single because I need someone to look after me. I'm so weak.

Its the second last day of my holiday so soon I will be back to my usual self, posting and commenting a lot.

xx

Holiday

Replies:
Pixiestix014- Its good to hear Tyler is good in bed, too many guys are selfish lovers. Haha I suck at tanning, I just burn
Eloise18- Welcome deary, I will go follow your blog. Thanks for introducing yourself. Why do you have to stop seeing your doctor? That sucks.
Mich- Welcome lovely stranger, thanks for introducing yourself. Yes I have been taking so many photos, I might post some when I get back
Tracy- In no way do I think its 'creepy' for a follower to be an 'oldie' at all. Age is a number, and its all in our heads. Some days I feel 18, other days I feel 38. Welcome to my blog, I am so very happy to have you.

Hello everyone,

I am still on holiday but I thought I better update you all. I have been eating like a fat fucking bitch. I have gobbled gobbled everything I have seen. Its horrible. I have probably put on like 5kgs. All the hard work I did over the past month will be undone.SHIT.

I got my 3rd tattoo the other day. I'm not sure if I have told you guys about my tats but not I will. Firstly, when I was 16 I think, I got a symbol in the language of angels that means choose life. I got it as its about embracing life and living it to the fullest. I had been depressed for a loing time and I felt it was a good representation for me. Next, when I was 17, I got two love hearts, one pink, one black, behind my ear. I got them matching with Elissa. Those who have been following my blog since the begining will know that Lissa and I used to be the best of friends and no longer are. I don't regret it though coz we agreed that even if we weren't friends it would always represent the good times we had together. Then the other day I got Do you believe in something beautiful? on my back, from the song Me and Mia by Ted Leo and the Pharmasicts. It really represented the way I feel about my ed. Like so many things he describes apply to me and I feel so strongly about it. Then at the end of the song, the mood changes and its just so perfect. Like it brings you back to reality. Please if you don't know it, go and listen.

I just got asked to come for a job interview on Tuesday, but I wom't be back. I called Mum and she said "this is a very important interview, you should try and come back". So now I'm going to go look for flights back in time for the interview. Cut my holiday short =[

Anyway I love you all xx

quick!

hey guys, I am on holiday at the moment, I have been going to the beacjh everyday and just chillin.
I will reply to you all when I get back and I love you all
xxx

Hello!!

Replies:
Eloise18- I'm backkkk!!! I was dying without internet hahaha
Tracy- Honestly, I feel like that a lot, not usually for someone specific but that anyone would call me. Old lady? How old? Anyway thanks for the kind words xxx
Acka11- HAHAHAHAAHAHAH DEAN SUCKS!!!
Pixiestix_014- hahahaha your so funny. I couldn't be with someone who was shit in bed for a year!! No way. My ex was so so good =[ I HATE BOYS
BellaAna- Thanks for the kind words xxx

I got let out of hospital today with strict instructions to leave the patch on my leg until it heals so that means no swimming in Queensland until like the end of the week but I don't mind because at least I'm still going. I didn't think they would let me out. I also had to make a cast iron promise to my doc that I wouldn't hust myself in anyway. I did. I really love her. I have been seeing her for over a year and she helps me so much. While I was in hospital she brought me a little doll a lady had made. It was so nice. She also gave me a cute little diary for me to write my thoughts in. She really is so nice. All the nurses were reallyu good too, they were all so jolly and kind.

I feel a lot better. I slept the last two nights without waking up! It was amazing. I don't know what to do about my ed though coz I don't know how to eat normally. I think I'll keep eating as little as possible until I see the dietician. hmmmmmm

Anyway welcome to all the new followers!! Feel free to introduce yourselves, I'll start off: Hi, my name is Bethany and I am 18 years old. I follow your blog because_______________ and here is the link to mine ___________
Now you all fill that in with your own name and age =]

Hospital

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while but I have been hospitalized. It sucks! Its so boring there, and so lonely. Anyway I'm out for a couple of hour today so I'm at an internet bar. I've been really lonely these past few days. I haven't really had anyone to talk too. I miss reading your blogs but I wont get a chance til I'm out. So don't think I've deserted you!

For the sake of pixiestix_014 if for no one else, Dean and I had sex. OMFG IT WAS SO BAD!! He came in like 30 seconds. And I went down on him for like an hour and did I get any? Nope!

Anyway I love you all and I will catch up on your blogs as soon as I'm out of hospital!!
xxx