Whip my hair

I'm almost back to my highest weight ever. FUCK.

Hush hush

I wanna run and hide

Hello,
How are you?
I am ok, I feel a little ill though.
I wish I were thin.
Why are some people naturally thin?
Its unfair.
Lately I have been feeling embarrassed when I go out in public.
I'm so ashamed of being so fat.

Everything will be ok right?

I will put my mind to it, like I always do.

I will lose the weight like I always do.

I will be happy for a few weeks/months.

Then I will gain the weight back, like I always do.

I don't know any other way.

I've been like this to long.

Fuck

Here we go again.

Why does something as stupid as food control my life?

Why do I let it?

My heart hurts.

I feel sad.

I feel like crying.

I feel like hurting myself.

I feel dead.

The intake of Beth

Today:
orange- 257kjs (62cals)
2x cruskits- 179kjs (42cals)
berries- 150kjs (35cals)
carrot- 123kjs (30cals)
celery- 2kjs (1cal)
tuna salad- 229kjs (54cals)
fruit salad- 500kjs (119cals)
chocolate- 3000kjs (714cals)
mango- 562kjs (135cals)
fish and salad- 370kjs (88cals)
orange- 250kjs (60cals)

Total- 5622kjs (1338cals)

Imagine that without the chocolate, FUCK YOU CHOCOLATE

Kjs/cals burned:
4737kjs/1127cals

Total intake - energy burned= 885kjs / 210cals

I still feel like shit even though my intake for today was pretty low

I have to be better with things like stupid chocolate

Todays war with food

So far so good, I'm scared I'm going to fuck up though. I have had:
Tuna salad- 227kjs (54cals)
Carrot- 105kjs (25cals)
Blueberrys- 41kjs (10cals)
Raspberries- 41kjs (10cals)
Pepsi max- 8kjs (2cals)
Piece of fish- 350kjs (83cals)

Total so far- 772kjs (184cals)

I will probably have an orange later, a carrot maybe? All together I don't think I will go over 500cals if I don't stuff up. I hope I don't, then this will be the first day in a long time that I will be succesful.

Baby I got a plan

Hello my kittens,
Today was day one of my new diet plan, and I fucked up. I started the day well, blueberries for breakfast and a pepsi max when I got to work. Then people brought chocolate in for christmas... I ate it. Yep, what an idiot. Anyway then I had rainbow tuna salad for lunch which is good, then I had some baby food, then for dinner with Jonno I had fish and chips. So overall it was a fail of a day. Oh well, tomorrow will be better. There is always tomorrow.
I have so much more to write but I can't be bothered right now. I will post better later.
Love you all
xxx

=)

I will be thin
You will be thin
We will be thin

I have renewed hope
Things will get better
If not only to get worse again
At least they will be better for a while

Keep working on the problem

I came upon a doctor that appeard in quite poor health, I said theres nothing I can do for you you can't do for yourself, he said oh yes you can just hold my hand, I think that that would help so I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt he said I think I'm cured, in fact I'm sure, thank you stranger for your theraputic smile

Today was the first time in a while that I cried, I mean really cried. I'm talking like body shaking sobs. I need help but I don't know where to get it anymore now that I moved. My heart aches, is this what life is like? Is there love? Happiness? Anything? How do I get these things? Why do some people get to feel them and I don't? Maybe I don't deserve it, I haven't exactly lived a good honest life, I have lied, cheated, hurt people who are close to me. Is anything worth fighting for?

Thats how I learnt the lesson, that everyones alone, and your eyes must do some rainin if your ever gonna grow

I binged today. Yep, I shovelled food into my stupid fat mouth, what a fucking loser. What a fail of a day. I went swimming but not enough, I left to early. I wish I could see Jonno today but I think I like him so much more then he likes me. Like he doesn't want to see me after work, but I would be willing to see him whenever I could. I would travel for hours to spend the night with him. I want him to feel the same but I understand why he doesn't, how could someone love someone like me?

Baby don't worry, coz now I've got your back, and everytime you feel like crying I will try and make you laugh, and if I can't if it just hurts to bad then we'll wait for it to pass, and I will keep you company for those days so long and black

Insert witty title here

Jonno knows about my blog. He knows how to find it. I made him promise he wouldn't read it but I don't know if he will or not, so Jonathan, if your reading this, your in big trouble mister!
Anyway I had planned to wake up early this morning so I could go swimming before work but my alarm didn't go off! I swear I set it! Anyway now I feel like a fat piece of shit so I'm going to see what time the pool closes and see if I can go after work.
I'm starting a new eating plan today and I hope I can stick to it. See Jonno and I are having a competition to see who can get a 6-pack first. I know he isn't really serious about it and probably won't try but its good motivation for me. If I get time later I will post my new plan.
Anyway I have to get ready for work now, have a good day everyone!
xxx

Back to the Future

Hey lovely followers,
I moved house again, its a lot better. I now live with a couple, John and Jana. Jonh is 25 and Jana is 23, its so good livng with people more my age. For those of you who live in Australia you know the footy team Cronulla Sharks? I live with John Williams from that team. For those of you not in Aus google him, I pretty much live with a famous NRL star. They are a beautiful couple, both stunningly good looking and really nice.
Eating has been ok, not what I would like it to be, but I'm getting a little better. I still eat way to much, but I have been ok... For dinner I ate a tuna salad, I am going drinking toinight which means calorieeeeessssssssss.
The other night I went out in Kings Cross... I spent over $1000 on strippers. My friend and I payed $100 for a private dance, the stripper took us into a private room and got naked. We had so much fun but the next day I felt really dirty. We couldn't believe how much we had spent. Whatever though we had a good time and a stripper showed me her genital piercing hahaha.
I am going to a party tonight with my boyfriend so I have to go get ready. I don't really feel like it coz I am so tired but whatever.
Talk later my pretties
xoxox

Still fucking up

Now I have moved out its the easiest time for me not to eat, I told the people I live with that I am a vegetarian so I don't have to eat with them, but I'm still fucking up. I eat to much.
I have started catching up on all your blogs, sorry I haven't commented in ages. Since I don't have the internet at home anymore its hard for me to get on, but I promise I'm trying.
Anyway I suppose this is a good time for a catch up sesh. Jonno and I are in an internet cafe in the city and he is playing World of Warcraft hahahaha!!! He is so cute.
I gained weight but its not a reliable figure as I used 2 different scales so it could be different. Anyway I will try and write again soon, love you all
xxx

FATfatFATfat

I am fat. Way to fat. Disgustingly fat. It's horrible.

I want to be a skinny bitch. I want to be thin.

FUCKKKKKKKKKK

I've been looking into a gym membership but since I moved out I have hardly any money so its hard, I can't find anywhere cheap. I want to start swimming and pilates again. I need another job.

fuckity fuck

Moved out

Hello my pretties. I have moved out of home! Yep, moved my fat ass out. Its.. how can I put it... difficult. I don't have much money and I feel a little lonely. I'm just renting a room at the moment so I'm living with other people. I can't afford the internet right now so I won't be posting much. I will try to get to an internet kiosk as often as I can though.
I haven't been eating much since I left home so I'm happy about that. I have pretty much been eating celery, carrots, rice crackers and drinking pepsi max. I don't have scales at my new place so I won't know if I have lost anything, but when I visit home I will weigh.
miss hearing from you all
xxx

Forget you

This is the first day of my life
I Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed
They're spreadin' blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I Think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
I'm Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you like me...

Take a bite of my heart

What are you waiting for?

Hey all my pretties =)
I have been very busy, not with fun things, but with life. I finished my traineeship (yay!) and I start a new job on the 6th of December. I found a place to live in Sydney so thats good. Its a room in a house with two other people (a mother and son), its pretty good. My room has a double bed, a wardrobe, a chest of draws and a TV with foxtel. The place has a pool and a back room thing with a BBQ etc, and I have my own massive fridge (which I plan to fill with celery and coke zero). I have been eating anything and everything and I need to stop, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I'll be better.
I have a new man in my life, his name is Jonno and he is perfect. He is so so sweet and nice and kind and funny. He is 23 and works in retail. We are doing something that neither of us have ever done before: we are waiting to have sex. It makes me like him so so much, he is willing to wait for me, even though its so hard for him, he wants it so much. I want it too, as you all know I'm a very sexual being haha. But it makes it so exciting, I know when it happens it will be so special. I can't wait, but I will haha.
Mum is on holiday with her partner so I have been staying with my friend so I don't have to be alone with my step-dad. Anyway yesterday she sent me this message "Im not feeling really well atm. I run out of my tablets and im not good so im going to the doctor tomorrow. Sorry i just need to sort my shit out. Can we catch up on friday? Ill help you move next week if im feeling better. Sorry I just cant explain how i feel right now but i need to be alone". So I was stranded in Sydney with nowhere to go. I swear shes the worst friend ever, we have been friends for years and years and she knows I don't have somewhere to go. Anyway I haven't spoken to her since.
OMG Genie in a Bottle just came on the radio! hahaha thats so funnyyyyy.
Talk soon beauties
xxx

hmm

Hello everyone, I am still alive! Sorry for my shitty posting, I'll be better!! I hope I haven't missed anything to important.
Nothing has really been happening in my life, just work and stuff.
I have my dietician tomorrow, how exciting....
I can't believe I have so little to tell you.
I suck.
love youuuu

FuckFuckFuck

Fucking hell guys!! I don't know what to do. I have been shovelling food down my throat for weeks now! Remember that little patch I went through when I was doing so well? Well thats long gone. I just can't seem to get in the state of mind. As soon as I start thinking about dieting I think about how much easier it is to just eat, then I go and feed my fat ass some more. How can anyone find me attractive? I have no idea. I need help. What can I do? HELP ME!

How did I get new followers? Who would want to follow this fucking sad blog? Welcome anyway, to my fucked up world. Thanks for joining me on this journey. Feel free to ask questions or comment =]

Anyway back to my sad fucked life, I met this really nice guy, Kevin. He is 26 and he has 2 kids (getting in over my head). Anyway we went to movies and dinner then sfter went back to his and watched another movie, then had fucking amazing sex, I came like 500 times. We must have had sex about 20 times through the night/morning. Anyway now he is really into me! I don't know if I have told you this before but I like someone, have sex with them, then get sick of them. I just lose interest once I have sex with them. I know its usually the guy who is like this haha, but thats me. So I don't know what to do about that.

If anyone has any advice about the food thing I would really really appreciate it.

Love you all

SexSexSex

Ok I will tell you in order of first to last and the situation =]

Ben- My first, one night stand
Max- One night stand
George- One night stand
Kyall- Boyfriend
Connor- Boyfriend
Elissa- Just for fun
Dean- Friend
David- Friend
Jordan- Friend
Tim- Friend
Jason- Sort of seeing

So yeah, 11 people

A question, winner gets a cuddle

How many people do you think I have had sex with? Want to know anything else? Just ask!

P.s

I think you should all go back to the beggining of my blog and look at the post where I talk about the special people in my life. Read the descriptions for Connor and Elissa, two people who are no longer in my life. I can't believe how much things have changed. Does that not make your heart hurt? It makes mine ache

music

Hello my pretties,
How are you all? Please tell me how you are, if you are great tell me! If you feel like shit, tell me also!
I am feeling... optimistic. I feel as though everything will be ok. I guess I am just choosing to not think about the bad things.
Mum is getting really annoying. She keeps wanting to hang out with me all the time, I know it sounds mean but I would rather sit alone in my room and talk to boys haha.
Anyways I guess I'm just letting you guys know I'm still alive
xxx

Red nails

You guys I had the most amazing realisation ever!!!!!! I have been so depressed and moody lately and I've been having sex but I haven't had an orgasm in ages. Well last night my friend Tim came over and oh. my. fucking. god. he went down on me and omg, best orgasm. Anyway I've been in such a good mood ever since hahahaha

So I guess thats the answer to moodiness!!

Replies for my sweets

Pixiestix014- hahaha ok you fly me out and we will dance the night away! Where do you livee anyway? Yes I still have hope that things will get better, even if it does happen slowly and painfully, as long as today is just a little better then yesterday.
Goal_Thin- Thank you so much for the kind words xxx
Eloise18- Wishing you could help and letting me know that is enough for me. Its beautiful to think that someone somewhere gives a shit if I live or die xxx
Pixiestix014- I don't believe I'm loved, wanted or desired, at least never by the one I want haha
Mich- hahaha the world is my fat free oyster!! I love you for saying that hahahah
Broken_Mirrors- Its ok that you don't know what to say, saying anything lets me know someone cares xxx
Ava-Rose- Yeah I'm glad I have you guys to read my shitty posts haha. I love quotes like that calorie one, they make me giggle
BellaAna- You honestly made me feel so so so so much better, after I read what you said I though thats so true! Theres no way I can spend my life worrying about other people or I will never be happy. I can't thank you enough, you made me feel like so much less of a monster
Broken_Mirrors- hahah mum knows best! I took her advice, I feel bad as I wasn't completly honest but oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it
Eloise18- Yes I am almost 100% sure that thats what I'm doing. I do it all the time. Everytime someone gets close to me I immideatly push them away because I think I don't deserve them. I don't deserve to have nice people around me.
Mich- hahaha the way you put it sounds darkly romantic, but in reality I don't think it is, I think it hurts poeple



Does anyone read the replies??

xx

Bitchy McBitch

Hey guys, thanks for all the nice comments on my last post, your all lovely. But the truth is, I'm a horrible person. You remember the guy I told you I was seeing Jordan? Well he is a lovely guy, very nice, funny, attractive. Well anyway we have plans this weekend to go away for my work, stay in a hotel and just hang out etc. But now I've decided I'm not into him anymore. I don't know why, I just don't want to see him anymore. He has told me about all these girls that have fucked him over and now I will be one of those girls. I haven't even told him yet. Mum says I should just tell him my boss found out I was bringing him and said no, that she meant I could bring a girlfriend along. But then he will still think I'm interested in him. I don't know what to do. Sighhhh, I'm such a bitch.

Stop breathing

You guys, I feel like shit. I'm sick of this. I feel so helpless. So needy. So alone.

tyna make things work but damn these times are hard

I wish things could be different, that I was different. Why am I this way?

shes all curled up in bed with a broken heart

I want to be wanted, to be loved, to be disired.

Replying to the lovers

Sarah- I know but its so diffucult to not shut people out. Friends ask awkward questions when you don't want to eat. My sister says I make her feel bad when I don't want to eat and she does. What am I supposed to do?
Pixiestix014- Lol yes I love clubbing!! If were ever in the same country, lets go! I'm not sure whay I'm sad. I guess it's a few different things: loneliness, being fat, being afraid of whats going to happen next year. I'm sure I'll be ok, I just wish things were a little different.
Tracy- I know I sometimes get into the thought pattern of 'I'm young, I should be having fun, I should be happy' but I have been told to many times that I have experienced more pain and suffering then most people go through their whole lives, so really I don't feel young. I have hope and faith that someday I will be happy, but I believe the only way to achieve that is to reach it from within
Sarah- I guess the exam could have been worse, at least I showed up hahaha

Quotes

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful, the day I chose not to eat, what I do know is how I changed my life forever, I know I should know better

Do you believe something beautiful? Then get up and be it

fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self control, I know how hard you try, I see it in your spine

Whats eating you alive, might help you to survive

Won't anybody here, just let you disappear?

Not doctors nor your mum and dad, but me and mia and an ana, know how hard you try

Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to fight transcendence, fighting to survive, more dead but more alive

I want to feel my bones on your bones

Every boy wants a body to die for, and girl who's thin is his rival, I wish I had a body to die for, skinny is sexy big isn't beautiful

Skinny is sexy, sweet anorexia

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star, to pray on or wish on or something like that

hunger hurts, but I want him so bad oh it kills, hunger hurts but starving works

He said its all in your head and I said so's everything but he didn't get it

I hate myself, but I love you

I had a whole in my heart, so I threw away my plate, coz nothing would fill me up, whatever I ate

Fading away coz theres nothing I can do

My baby, I'm hungry

Whenever I think, I think of you

Don't forget what it really means to hunger strike when you don't really need it, some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours

I can't breath but I still fight while I can fight

Sophie cannot finish her dinner, she says shes eaten enough, Sophie's trying too make herself thinner, she says shes eaten to much

Sophies losing weight by the minute, how did things get this bad?

Her sister won't stop crying, coz her father says shes dying

Calorie- A unit of measure that tells how good a food tastes

That made me laugh

Eat less, weigh less

So far today-
Diet ginger beer- 116kjs (27cals)
Small muffin- 600kjs (142cals)

I just got back from my 2nd exam and it went terribly. I didn't know any of the answers. I wasn't expecting it to go well though as I didn't put any effort into study. I don't really care.

I think I will go back to bed.

Next time I am in a good mood I will be sure to post immediately as all the posts I've done lately have been depressing

Beautiful Disaster

I started crying for no reason. Mum asked what was wrong. I said I was sad. I need to go back to hospital. I really just hate myself.

I'm seeing someone new. His name is Jordan and he is 20 years old. He is a very nice boy. My only problem with him is he is so opinionated and arguementative. At the same time it makes him interesting, but it gets annoying.

I went out last night clubbing. Got home at 5am, had to get up at 10am. I'm. So. Tired.

I'll catch up on your blogs soon

x

Sitting in an empty room

I have let my eating get out of control, what an idiot. Its so hard to get on top of things when you've let yourself go. But today is the day to turn it around. Today I will eat baby food and strawberries. I'm going out for dinner with my dad tonight so hopefully I can just get a salad.

Its so much easier to not have friends when you have an ED, friends make you eat. Friends want to go out for lunch, have snacks while watching movies, go out for dinner etc. Its so difficult to continuously make up excuses, it gets so obvious.

I have my first exam in less then an hour and I have done no study. Even now I know I'm screwed but here I am blogging instead of trying to cram some knowledge into my brain. What a fool.

I will try to post pics of my tats soon =]

xx

Replies to my beauties

Eloise18- I am in the same position, I'm supposed to stop seeing mine as I'm 18 but she has said she will keep seeing me if I need her. She is so lovely. I hope you will find someone else if you need it
Pixiestix014- Thank you! The job interview went well I think. I hope...
Acka11- I both agree and disagree with what you said. Firstly, yes its human nature to want the company of others and to interact, but is it human nature to feel like you can't function without a significant other? I don't think it is. People who are mentaly stable may want a relationship, but can still cope without one. Do you agree? xx
Mich- Yes I think I would be terribly bored if I weren't crazy. And why would people want to read the blog of a boring person hahahah

Cheap bottles of wine

Hello everyone,
How are you all?
I hope you are all swell.
I feel like a fucking crazy person.
I guess I am.
I know I am.

Tracy- Is it worth going through your life with a husband that feels alone? Reconnect, remember why you fell in love. I dont know what else I can say, I wish I could help

Sorry that Tracy is the only person I'm replying to right now, but her comment really touched me. And I'm so fucking exhausted I will have to do the replies tomorrow.

xxx

When your day is long

when you think you've had enough, of this life, to hang on

don't let yourself go, coz everybody crys, yeah everybody hurts, sometimes

sometimes everything is wrong

I have been feeling very empty. Very alone. I cried so much last night. I couldn't stop. I kept thinking about how I wish I had someone to hold me. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to kiss. I kept thinking about Connor. About how he always held me so tight when I was crying. Once he held me all night while I cried. I used to cuddle up to his chest and he would wrap his arms around me. He would always keep me warm.

Fuck I hate this. Why am I so dependable on others? Like I always need someone to rescue me. I feel like I can't be single because I need someone to look after me. I'm so weak.

Its the second last day of my holiday so soon I will be back to my usual self, posting and commenting a lot.

xx

Holiday

Replies:
Pixiestix014- Its good to hear Tyler is good in bed, too many guys are selfish lovers. Haha I suck at tanning, I just burn
Eloise18- Welcome deary, I will go follow your blog. Thanks for introducing yourself. Why do you have to stop seeing your doctor? That sucks.
Mich- Welcome lovely stranger, thanks for introducing yourself. Yes I have been taking so many photos, I might post some when I get back
Tracy- In no way do I think its 'creepy' for a follower to be an 'oldie' at all. Age is a number, and its all in our heads. Some days I feel 18, other days I feel 38. Welcome to my blog, I am so very happy to have you.

Hello everyone,

I am still on holiday but I thought I better update you all. I have been eating like a fat fucking bitch. I have gobbled gobbled everything I have seen. Its horrible. I have probably put on like 5kgs. All the hard work I did over the past month will be undone.SHIT.

I got my 3rd tattoo the other day. I'm not sure if I have told you guys about my tats but not I will. Firstly, when I was 16 I think, I got a symbol in the language of angels that means choose life. I got it as its about embracing life and living it to the fullest. I had been depressed for a loing time and I felt it was a good representation for me. Next, when I was 17, I got two love hearts, one pink, one black, behind my ear. I got them matching with Elissa. Those who have been following my blog since the begining will know that Lissa and I used to be the best of friends and no longer are. I don't regret it though coz we agreed that even if we weren't friends it would always represent the good times we had together. Then the other day I got Do you believe in something beautiful? on my back, from the song Me and Mia by Ted Leo and the Pharmasicts. It really represented the way I feel about my ed. Like so many things he describes apply to me and I feel so strongly about it. Then at the end of the song, the mood changes and its just so perfect. Like it brings you back to reality. Please if you don't know it, go and listen.

I just got asked to come for a job interview on Tuesday, but I wom't be back. I called Mum and she said "this is a very important interview, you should try and come back". So now I'm going to go look for flights back in time for the interview. Cut my holiday short =[

Anyway I love you all xx

quick!

hey guys, I am on holiday at the moment, I have been going to the beacjh everyday and just chillin.
I will reply to you all when I get back and I love you all
xxx

Hello!!

Replies:
Eloise18- I'm backkkk!!! I was dying without internet hahaha
Tracy- Honestly, I feel like that a lot, not usually for someone specific but that anyone would call me. Old lady? How old? Anyway thanks for the kind words xxx
Acka11- HAHAHAHAAHAHAH DEAN SUCKS!!!
Pixiestix_014- hahahaha your so funny. I couldn't be with someone who was shit in bed for a year!! No way. My ex was so so good =[ I HATE BOYS
BellaAna- Thanks for the kind words xxx

I got let out of hospital today with strict instructions to leave the patch on my leg until it heals so that means no swimming in Queensland until like the end of the week but I don't mind because at least I'm still going. I didn't think they would let me out. I also had to make a cast iron promise to my doc that I wouldn't hust myself in anyway. I did. I really love her. I have been seeing her for over a year and she helps me so much. While I was in hospital she brought me a little doll a lady had made. It was so nice. She also gave me a cute little diary for me to write my thoughts in. She really is so nice. All the nurses were reallyu good too, they were all so jolly and kind.

I feel a lot better. I slept the last two nights without waking up! It was amazing. I don't know what to do about my ed though coz I don't know how to eat normally. I think I'll keep eating as little as possible until I see the dietician. hmmmmmm

Anyway welcome to all the new followers!! Feel free to introduce yourselves, I'll start off: Hi, my name is Bethany and I am 18 years old. I follow your blog because_______________ and here is the link to mine ___________
Now you all fill that in with your own name and age =]

Hospital

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while but I have been hospitalized. It sucks! Its so boring there, and so lonely. Anyway I'm out for a couple of hour today so I'm at an internet bar. I've been really lonely these past few days. I haven't really had anyone to talk too. I miss reading your blogs but I wont get a chance til I'm out. So don't think I've deserted you!

For the sake of pixiestix_014 if for no one else, Dean and I had sex. OMFG IT WAS SO BAD!! He came in like 30 seconds. And I went down on him for like an hour and did I get any? Nope!

Anyway I love you all and I will catch up on your blogs as soon as I'm out of hospital!!
xxx

Replies

To all your beautiful comments-

Summer Rose- Thank you! I love when people recommend something they think is beautiful. I love Adele!
Eloise18- Well actually what happened was, I knew if i didn't do something I would sit there and cut all night so I went and told my mum. She cleaned it and dressed it for me. Then she spent the whole night crying. What a pleasant daughter she has. Thanks for caring though xx
Konrad- Hello there! Yes I do believe they will scar as they are quite deep. I was actually wondering why you follow my blog? I have only had a quick chance to check out your blog but I didn't notice anything about eating disorders? Anyway thanks for your concern. P.s the pic on your blog is so cute!
BellaAna- Thanks for the kind words. I have had an eating disorder for about 6 years now and I must say it hasn't always been like this. There have been times when I was surrounded by friends and people who love me so I just have to keep reminding myself that this friendless me is only temporary. That soon I will be back with my friends.
Pixiestix_014- You are so fucking beautiful I would like to make love to you (HAHA), no but really, you always say the right thing and you always make me laugh. I wish we were friends in the real world. P.s Dean is a little sexyyyy heheheeh
Sarah- Maybe we can be lesbian hermits together? hahahaha
Acka11- Things for next year are starting to look up so hopefully things will get better. Keeping busy is the best advice I've ever recieved and I would recommend it to anyone!
Goal_Thin- I admire your optimism and I agree, life should be viewed as an adventure, with ups and downs. Thank you

Time

I get lost in the beauty, of everything I see, the world ain't half as bad, as they paint it to be

I am feeling very regretful for cutting so much last night, today I could hardly walk it hurt so much. And I had to work. Everytime I move it hurts so much. Thats not why I regret it though. Its because I'm hanging out with Dean tomorrow and I don't want to have to explain. Also I don't want to have them showing while I'm at the beach next week.

You should all listen to Homesick by Thirsty Merc, its so beautiful. I used to listen to it when I was at boarding school and just cry. Sometimes I wish so so much that I was back at the boarding house, like I could go back to that time. Sigh

Today was the first time in quite a while that I ate normal food. I had a salad sandwich and a choc brownie slice. It was nice. I bet mum will make me eat again later.

Shimmer

Hello family!
Welcome new followers!
Ok just a quick update as I should be getting ready for work. Last night I cut myself so badly, blood everywhere. Anyway now I've realised what a FUCKING IDIOT I am as I have a beach holiday in a week. Yep, everyone at the beach seeing my fucked up legs. At least the girl I'm going with knows about everything, that could be a little awkward otherwise. I don't know what I'll say to Dean if we start getting a little hot n heavy and he sees it. Maybe a fox trap fell on me?
haha

ok love you all
xxx

Recover? Not yet

I don't want to recover, I hate myself too much.
Of course I still have to attend recovery but oh well.
I tell the doc straight out when I'm like this, which is most of the time.
It's very rare that I think I would like to recover.
Without my ed, I wouldn't be anything, anyone.
I wouldn't have a personality.

I'm starting to realise the impacts of my ed that are not the obvious ones (e.g. tired, sore etc) and I thought I'd write them:
- I have no friends. I'm too disgusted with myself to go out.
- I was to busy thinking about my ed to concentrate at school. Now I won't be going to uni.
- I'm not that close with Laura anymore. She hates my behaviour so much is practically all we talk about. We fight about it. Shes my sister so we'll be ok, but I hate it.

Todays intake
2x rice paper rolls 670kjs (160cals)
fruit salad 500kjs (119cals)
Total= 1170kjs (279cals)

hey

hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I've been so effing busy. Welcome new followers, Thanks for joining me on this bumpy ride.
So, in regards to my ed, I had to have firther tests today to check that I haven't fucked myself up to much. So I went before work today to get some blood tests done and I was shitting myself. I am so so bad with needles, even though I can get tats and peircings haha. Anyway they had to get like 10 tubes of blood coz they have so much to test for, yucky. It was ok, I just hate that it takes so long, like the needles is in your for ages. I felt really sick and dizzy after but I sat for a while and I was ok after some water.
I really want to see the results, I want to know what else could possibly be wrong with me. I hope if anything, its minor.
Today my boss came up to me and said I looked sad. She asked what was wrong. I said nothing. But she persisted and I ended up telling her about how I have no friends and no one to hang out with and about how lonely I am. She was so good about it. She told me about how she didn't have her first friend until she was 26 years old. Like she had aquantances but not a real friend. She said she was lonely too. I almost cried. I'm so so glad I didn't. Anyway she gave me a hug =] shes so nice.
I have to tell you guys something!!!!!!!
heheheheheheheheheeh
I had phone sex last night.
It. Was. So. Sexy.
Like really, I've been getting turned on all day just thinking about it!
I like this guy, his name is Dean.

Anyway I'm going to go catch up on your blogs now

xxx

Skinny

I'm writing this to distract myself from writing crazy things to my friends. When I get in this mood I just want to talk to anyone and I end up sounding mad. I have this feeling, I don't no what it is. Its like a deep sadness, mixed with emptiness. I wish I could explain better. It hurts. I want to hurt, I want to feel pain. I hate myself.

I don't know what to do with myself. Like I finish school in a week, in two weeks I'll be unemployed, I have no plans for next year. I applied for one uni because I couldn't be bothered and I didn't get in. I'm not suprised seeing as I didn't even do the whole application.

Maybe I should start internet dating. Or become a lesbian? Even a hermit.

I tried to tell my mama

Hello ladies and gentlemen,
Just a quick update. I feel like a crazy person. Like I feel so sad, so down. I don't know why. I think its the lonliness again. Do you ever hope that someone texts you so bad, you feel so desperate? Then you remember, you are desperate. Thats how I feel. I want to lay with someone, have someone hold me. I want to be kissed and hugged. To be loved.

Todays Food-
Muffin (friends birthday) 2500kjs
salad- 70kjs

you guys can work out the cals if you want

HELP!!

I really need to learn how to hide my habbits better!! Mum just said what have you eaten today? And I couldn't think so there was this long pause then I starting naming foods I could remember from the fridge. She is watching me to closely, I don't like it.

As part of my recovery I was given a book to read, its called "Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating"
I would rather chew my arm off then read it, but I guess I will. Its about cognitive behavioral techniques if you guys no what that is. If you don't, I'm sorry but I really can't be bothered to explain it haha

I am hungry. Its weird. Although I have no desire to eat, I don't like it. Its probably because I forgot to take my Lida today. But I have been so so so hypo all day. Like so much. AHHH

Todays food-
Garden Salad 70kjs (16cal)
Strawberries 200kjs (47cals)
Total 270kjs (63cals)

Thats pretty good

Weekend

I had a very crazy weekend, which I will tell you about now =]
If your bored of reading it I will hightlight the most exciting/interesting stuff and you can just read those.
Well coz Connor and I broke up, Laura wanted to cheer me up so she invited me down to hers for a girls weekend. Well when I got there we went shopping for outfits we would wear out and new make up and everything so it was going to be a full on fun weekend. Anyway, we started talking about where we were going to go out that night and she just kept on avoiding the question, like all day. So when we got home I was like, so where should we go tonight? I wanted to go clubbing or something like that. Anyway, we sit there for hours while she still avoids the question until finnaly I say "Laura, seriously, where are we going tonight?" and her reply was "ok, the thruth is, I'm disgusting and I shouldn't go out. I'm so fucking fat everyone stares at me. Everyone is so judgemental and they all think I'm so gross. I'm huge" she went on like that for quite a while. Anyway I said "you know you could do something about it". That certainly didn't help.
If I could pick one pet peeve, the one that annoys me most, it would definately be people who complain about being fat, but don't do anything about it. Fuck it annoys me.
So anyway, after ages of her moping around (keep in mind she is meant to be cheering me up) she finally decides she will venture out, to the RSL. For those that don't know, an RSL is a place for the elderly to go and sit around drinking and talking shit. But it was better then nothing so I was like ok. So we went and Cara who lives with Laura came too and we had a few drinks and gambled a bit. It got to 10pm and Laura wanted to go home.... Shes fucking 21 years old not an old women!!! So me being me I was like well I want to have fun so I'll come home later. So they left me there. Alone. In an RSL. I'm so good at being left alone places when I'm drunk. Anyway I had a few more drink, gambled a bit more, chatted to a few people etc. I met these people and this is where my night turns around. They were so fucking fun!!
There was a group of them but the main characters in this story are Christine and Adrian. They are a couple in there 30's who look in there 20's and she was beautiful. Anyway I got chatting to them and we all started dancing and it was so fun. By this time I was trashed! It got to 1am and we had to leave so we stumbled down to the curtesy bus to go to a pub. Out of all the pubs there are, Christine picks the one that she is banned from to go to. I later found out it was because she punched someone in the throught there hahaha. Anyway so we get in a fight with the security guard and everyone in the pub knew Christine and were yelling at the poor security guy to let us in, I felt sorry for him.
Anyway moving alone, there was this guy there called Liam and he was talking to Christine and Adrian kept trying to pull her away to leave coz the security was getting the shits. Anyway Liam jumps over the balcony of the pub and starts a punch up with Adrian! It was so crazy like 5 more guys jumped over the balcony to stop them and the sucurity guy came running over. Anyway we definalty had to go then.
Anyway we were walking away to go to Adrians house and he had the shits so bad, it was a little awkward for me but I got over it. We got to Adrians house and there were these three guys just sitting there getting stoned! hahahahah god it was funny! Anyway this is apparently pretty normal for them and thats all they ever do, which changes it from funny to really quite sad. Anyway we sat with them for a while then the Christine, Adrian and I went to the bedroom and what do you know? They want a threesome. I'm not going to lie, I wanted one too, anyway those two starting fighting again so it didn't happen. But we all slept in one bed and Adrian was in the middle and touched me all night like up my legs and back etc.
Now here is the bit where none of you can judge me. I liked the touching, can you blame me? I have just come out of a long relationship. So... I sort of touched his hands, encouraging him to touch me. After a while of this, he moved my hand to his pants. I won't go into anymore detail but there we were, fooling around under the covers while his girlfriend was asleep next to us. I feel a little guilty but I enjoyed myself. Its the best feeling to be able to make someone else moan from pleasure.
I hope I haven't grossed anyone out hahaha, I know there are some younger ones on here.

Anyway comment what you like, I made choices =]

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK OMG

all this time I thought the scales had just been lying to me, coz I thought theres no way I have lost all that weight coz I don't see any difference BUT guess what I am wearing right now...

MY FIRST GOAL JEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I rememebr when I couldn't get them over my thighs, now I'm wearing them comfortably

Its only one goal out of many but still, YAY

Replies2

Once again I have become terribly slack with replying to all your beautiful comments so here goes:
Sarah- Yes I am very very excited, it will be so good to get away from here, away from everything. Just two 18 year olds living it up. It will be so good.
BellaAna- Thanks for the encouragement sugar
Goal_Thin- Haha this comment made me laugh which is really what I need so thanks, FUCK YEAH!! hehehehe
Acka11- Thanks beautiful, do I follow your blog?
Ava-Rose- Thanks, I hope I will feel better. But really, breaking up with Connor has made me not eat, I'm not sure why, I might write a post about it.
Goal_Thin- Thank you so much, you really sound like type of friend I love, one who always looks on the bright side! Yes I guess Mum has noticed, and quite a few other people often comment on my weight. But if you go back to an older post, there are pics of me, and you will see, I'm really not thin. Yea I know I have you guys thanks, it's just that I would like to physically hang out with someone, like not ti talk about shit like I can on here, just to chill. P.s do I follow your blog?

lonely

I'm so fucking lonely. I wish I had a friend, one person I could hang out with, spend time with. Intead I'm sitting here on my computer on a friday night waiting and wishing for some guy to text me back. Fuck I'm desperate. It's sad.
Mum came in to my room and asked if I wanted dinner, once again, I said no. My brain wasn't working so I didn't say "no thanks, I already ate" or "no thanks, I'm not feeling well" instead i just said "no".
Well she gave me this weird look, then she spotted one of my so carefully hidden (there just on my desk lol) signs that says YOU ARE FAT! She tells me its bad, and to get rid of them, write something positive she said. What positive thing could I write? I lost some weight or I didn't eat today. Pretty sure thats not the type of positive she means.
She looked at me, and she said "are you starving yourself?" I wanted to say:
"YES MUM!!! ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND! I HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE!! I WANT TO WASTE AWAY, I FUCKING LOVE FEELING OF BEING SO SICK THAT I CAN'T EAT. YES I'm FUCKING STARVING!!!!"
"But of course, I said "no"
Just a plain and simple no. I don't really care if she believes me or not. It's not like it matters.

Todays food
rockmelon and plain salad- havent worked out the cals, less then 200cal

Sorry for the sad post

xxx

weightloss update

I have now lost 11kgs (24.2lbs)

I am still a fucking whale.

I won't ruin it this time.

I will be thin

I had a whole in my heart

food intake-
rockmelon and strawberries.
total- 520kjs (123cals)

I got out of dinner again so that good, told mum I already ate.
I got my waxs and nails done, tomoro is spray tan =]

Today my holiday with my good friend Nina got booked... HOLY FUCK I"M EXCITED!!!

We leave on the 5th!!! Thats like 16 days!!!!!

lalalala

hello new follower, welcome to my world

hii

I had work today, I just got home.
Seeing as I have been having a pretty rough time lately I have decided to have a beauty day tomorrow and friday. So I'm booked in for a full leg wax, brazilian, full set of nails and a spray tan on friday =]
Then I'm going to Laura's for the weekend and were going to Luna Park.

I realised I have been forgetting to write what I have eaten each day so here goes:

Muffin- 700kjs (166cals)
Strawberrys- 150kjs (35cals)
Baby Food- 174kjs (41cals)
2x Coke Zero- 16kjs (3cals)
Total- 1040kjs (247cals)

Not sure if I can get out of dinner though, if I can it will have been a good day.

~UPDATE~ I got out of dinner =]

Anyway this is the first day since Connor and I broke up that I haven't cried hysterically for hours so things are getting better. My friend and I are going to Queensland in about 3 weeks so that should be really fun. It's just what I need, to get away from this town for a while and just chill with someone I know is truely my friend.

xx

Single Me

Comment replies

Pixistix_014- pretty sure I'm in love with you! You made me laugh so much! Thank you thank you! Wow, that jiggling thing is horrible. Actually, Connor has now become my ex. Read this post to find out more. xxx

So Connor and I broke up. It turns out he has been texting and even sending pics to someone else. I'm so hurt. I don't understand it. He always said he was so so in love with me. Why would he do this? I can't believe he would do something like this to me. I really feel like I don't know him at all. Like the person I thought I knew wouldn't do that to me. Why would he do this after more then a year with me? It's fucked.

I found out all this stuff yesterday off Elissa. When I told people (Mum and Laura) they both said "your not even friends with Elissa, how do you know its true". I said she wouldn't do that to me. I know she wouldn't do that to me. Connor admitted it anyway.

So I'm single, I have no friends, in 2 weeks I will be unemployed and broke. I love life.

Hmm

Comment replies:

Summer Rose- They were all marketing and promotions jobs
Pixiestix_014 - I am actually finished school, 13years of school, and I am finally finished. Its a beautiful thing
Eibbroc- Thanks you darling, they all went well
Geriisan- No blog is pathetic, we all start somewhere. I'm sure you and I will get along swimmingly!

I am at work and I am terribly bored. I have had 3305kjs today and i will have another 174 soon. Thats one baby food.

Connor said something heartbreaking today. I was stupidly putting a piece of chocolate in my mouth and he said "don't, you'll get fatter"

OH MY GOD!

Anyway he was like "That just came out I'm sorry I meant to say you'll get fat, not fatter, I'm sorry" and he went on like that for a while but he had already made me upset.
I really hate myself. I wanted to cut again the other night but I didn't.
I feel so dumb.

HIHI!!

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry I haven't posted in forever but I have been so so so busy. I just got back from sydney where I have been working at the Holiday Super Show. I got offered a job in Sydney at a marketing company but I declined it. It was a waste of my time but oh well.

I have so much to do , I don't know where to start! I will try and catch up on all your blogs sometime this week, I will probs get a chance when I'm at work this week. I miss reading all your thoughts.

Anyway sorry for the shitty post =[

xxx

I

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
I'm Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

Job

I have a job interview tomorrow in Sydney =]
I am a bit nervous
I hope I get it
Then I can leave school and make the mullah!

Replies

I have been really slack with replying to comments and I want you all to know I appreciate you so much! So here is a post dedicated to replying to all the comments I have missed.

Sarah- They made me laugh, especially the sex one, good excuse hahaha

Pixiestix_014- I like pears too, really soft, juicey ones YUM! Adriana Lima is a goddess! I think I would yell at her too if I wasn't already yelling at Rihana

Amy- Thank you very much! Yes the sex one suprised me a little haha

Eibbroc- THANK YOU!!!!! and if it helps: YOU ARE A FAT BITCH! STOP EATING!!! If it doesnt help, just ignore that hahaha

Pixiestix_014- I could just add this to the other reply but oh well... My life could be a T.V series hahaha. And thanks, it wasn't much fun =[

BellaAna- I agree, I love the blogger girls. I would love to be your friend! I won't let you down either. I have an ana book, my mum found it but she knows about my ed (obviously because I'm in 'recovery') but she didn't say anything... odd

Thank you for all your comments you are all so kind. Welcome new followers as well, how are you?

xxxx

Dove of hope

Pixiestix_014- Wanna be best friends? hahah thanks for the kind words xx

I'm home now. I think I might go to bed even though its only 4pm. I'm very tired but I also don't want to eat and if I'm sleeping I can't eat.

I might write more later

New Diet

This diet was made up by Sarah, her blog is "How can hearts so young feel so much pain?" and you should all go and follow her. You can see the diet on her page, go find her in my followers if you want to see =]

I'm on day one and I have had 700cals. I'm not very happy with that but whatever. I also didn't weigh in this morning so I've already broken a rule. I think for the checklist I will clean my desk, paint my nails, skull water and blog obviously. Today's challenge is a rest day as it is sunday so that will be easy. I think I will exercise when I get home and incorporate the rest bit by reading a book in bed or something.

I can't wait to go home and stick up signs that say YOU ARE FAT and YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN all over my room. I just printed them off so that will give me something to do when I get home.

Only 20 minutes left of work. Only a few weeks left of school forever! YAY! I'm sick of it. I hate it. I despise it. I hate EVERYTHING about it.

On a happier note, Connor and I have continued planning for next year which makes me excited. I can't wait to move away, make new friends. Of course I'm not going to get to attatched or emotionaly involved with any friends seeing as every friend I have ever had has let me down. Oh well, I'm sure I've let people down too.

It makes me sad because a lady at work has lived here her whole life and she has had most of her friends since she was like 5 years old. It makes me sad because I don't have anyone like that. I don't even have a good friend I've known longer then a couple of years.

Whatever who needs friends anyway?

hmm

As of today, I have no friends. Not one.

The only person outside of my family who gives a shit about me is Connor.

So after Elissa left me alone in the city last night, Dad gave me a lecture... it went like this:
"I cannot stress this enough, no matter how much you might dislike a person at the time, you NEVER leave then alone in the city. NEVER. You make sure they get home safe and then just don't talk to them the next day. Leaving someone alone in the city is something that you just dont do"
It went on a lot longer then that, my reply was:
"Dad, I would never do that. I have been in a situation where I would like to do that but I didn't"
Needless to say he was happy about that.

As I was drunk and alone in the middle of the city with no phone and minimal money, I got scared. I found a pay phone and the only number I could remember was Connor's home number. Now of course I didn't have any money so I had to 1800 reverse them. For peolpe who don't know thats where you can make a phone call and the person who answers takes the charge. So anyway I called and his mum answered. It was around midnight. Anyway Connor was so worried he called my mum, who said call Laura, who said call Dad, so by now, the whole family is worried about me. Of course I eventually got home but I had no money for cabs so I had to get the train alone.

My family and Connors family were very angry at Elissa. Dad even said shes not welcome at his house anymore, not because he doesn't like her as a person, but because its the second time something like this has happened.

Anyway today I'm not eating. I might have an apple later.

Tips

that I just read for reducing hunger pains:

1. Eliminate meals- eating 3 meals a day actually increases hunger as the body comes to expect food more often. Late meals and snacks will only increase the desire to eat and as a result you will remain hungry.
2. Have sex- Having sex early in the day can help decrease hunger throughout the day but sex in the evening increases the body's need to retain nutrients thus making you hungry
3. Exercise early, walk late- Exercise twice a day with srenous exercise and weights in the morninr, and a light walk in the evening
4. Eat pears- Pears can eliminate cravings for sweets and make you feel fuller for longer due to the fibre
5. Fasting- this will help to cleanse the body's entire system and enhance the body's internal functions. 2-3 cups of tea will help curb hunger

Hold me closer

"My favourite thing to do is roll around in a pile of cash, wearing a suit made out of cash, while people throw cash at me"

hahahaha that made me laugh.

I'm sitting here with a 2L bottle of coke zero drinking straight from the bottle. I wish I had some self control. Not about the coke lol, about food. I hate it, but I can't stop. Rihanna is staring at me from the picture on my desk. Fuck off Rihanna.

Oh how it feels so real, lying here, with no-one near, only you, but you can't hear me

I feel like, I don't know. Someone just posted the most beautiful picture in their blog, I can't remember who... anyway its exactly what I want to look like. I'm going to go save it off their page hehehe

Pretty eyes, pirate smile, she married a music man

I need to get back in the groove, I was doing so well for a while, why can't I do it? I need some words of... I don't know... encouragement? Not really, I need to be told that I will never be thin and beautiful, I'll always be hideous if I keep eating so much

Lay me down in sheets of linen

Confession

I have a confession to make...

My boyfriend does my hair

On days I do my hair it looks like this:

Notice it has been carelessy shoved up in a pony tail with minimal effort.

On days Connor does my hair it looks like this:

Notice the care and precision, the effort, the time it must have taken.

honestly... I HATE doing my hair, its like a chore. Its something I just don't want to do

I'm glad I shared this with you guys xxx

P.s this is us (he is smexy isn't he =P):

Diets Diets

Comment Replies

Emma- I do advanced english, general mathematics, society and culture, PDHPE (personal development, health and physical education) and tourism hospitality and events. If you go to school what do you do?

Hey girlfriends!
I just got home from an afternoon of shopping with Lissy, fun fun. I eat to much, all the time. Tomorrow I will start a new diet. Maybe fasting one day on, one day off? or baby food? or fasting except dinner? I don't know...
Anyone on anything good?

Say you'll stay

Comment Replies-
Sarah- hahah don't worry I have a lot of crappy music too
Ava-Rose- I love The Scientist too, and Clocks and all their songs really
Pixiestix_014- YES!!! I love MJ, I used to have the number 1 album of his but I don't know where it went, I wish I could find it. I love Dirty Diana, and Ben haha
Eibbroc- I love Coldplay, you might like Bright Eyes too

WELCOME NEW FOLLOWER!!

I have to go off to school in a minute and I really don't want to, I only have 2 classes so its not so bad but still, I would rather sleep.

So I had my birthday celebraations on the weekend and I must have eaten enough to last me a few months haha. I vomited after lunch, not on purpose, I just did. That shows what a pig I am. Oh well, it was my birthday so... I'm allowed?
My sister kept getting really upset about how fat she is, and I feel really annoyed everytime she does. Everyone goes "omg your not fat!!"... Liars. I know I sound like a bitch ut its just really annoying when people complain about being fat but do nothing about it, like she could go on a diet? But she doesn't, she just complains that shes fat. Annoying

Anyway I really have to go to school now

byeeeeee
xxx

Songs

Due to popular demand (LOL) I am going to write a list of my favorite songs and what they mean to me:
Wish you were here by Pink Floyd- My all time favorite song, if you haven't heard this, you haven't lived. One thing that has NEVER failed to make me cry it the Live 8 reunion song (go to youtube and type in 'Pink Floyd- wish you were here- live 8). In the beginning, he says this little speech, so sad. This song truly makes my heart and soul sing. I wish I was as good with words as Elissa is, I'm going to ask her to write how I feel about this song haha
Yellow by Coldplay- This song is close to my heart as it was played at my sisters funeral. I love the poetic lyrics "your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful" and "you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry, for you I'd bleed myself dry". If you have every truly loved someone, you can relate to this song.
Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)- Honestly I know a lot of people think that this is the lamest song they've ever hear but I think its amazing, everything he says, I agree with. I wish everyone would listen to this song.
Everybody Hurts by R.E.M- A very sincere and truthful song, always cuts to the core of me, especially if you watch the film clip and read the bit at the bottom.

I also recommend Silverchair, Bright Eyes, Muse, more Coldplay, Thirsty Merc and Santana.

Don't get me wrong I still love Britney Spears, Christina, Katey Perry etc!

Anyone have any to recommend to me?

feather

Pixistix_014- they are all quotes from songs by Bright eyes, if you dont know them you must listen!!! I honestly think they make the most amazing lyrics, so raw, so honest, every song is so beautiful. I'll recommend a few of my favorites:
Lua- a lot of people associate this song with having bulimia but to me its about falling in love for one night, and how everything is easyier until you really have to think about it
Lover I don't have to love- a song about a one night stand and partying etc, I think its about emptiness and worth
False advirtising- this one is so honest, it really shows how he feels and the truth about the music industry
First day of my life- the most beautiful love song, it makes me cry its so stunning

I really feel like listening to Bright Eyes now, if anyone else has heard these songs, what do you think?

Bright Eyes

Your looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black

Just keep going to the bathroom always say you'll be right back
well it takes one to know one kid, I think you got it bad
But what was simple in the moonlight by the mornings such a drag

You write such pretty words, but lifes no story book

Loves an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt

Do you like to hurt? I do, I do, then hurt me

On a stage I was pushed, with my sorrow well rehearsed

So give me all your pitty, and your money now

all of it

Beautiful Disaster

Last night as I was driving home from Katoomba, I looked over at Elissa, fast asleep, and I smiled, a true smile

Comment replies
Sarah- Thank you but really my attempts are quite sad xxx

Yesterday I got my sternum pierced, it's cool =] Lissy got it too, it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I didn't think I could keep going, I'm glad I did but I wasn't going to.

A lot of things have happened since I last posted which was to long ago (sorry). I turned 18, I've laughed, I've cried, things have been hard. I really can't be bothered to write them here.

I'm getting my tattoo redone today which will be good. I'm at work now which sucks. A lot.

Anyway sorry I haven't been posting

xxx

Dirty Little Secret

Now that I'm "in recovery" I have told my ed spec and my therapist practically everything, they delve into every little thought and feeling. There is one thing that I have kept secret: my use of the internet in relation to my ed. They don't know about this blog, about PrettyThin, about ProAnaNation or any other things like googling thinspiration. I feel that that would be the final step. When I'm ready to fully recover, telling them about that stuff will be the thing I do.

I'm already well over 5000kjs (1190cals) and its only 1pm.

Young Hearts

I am sick of being fat. It sucks. I wish I were thin. But I'm to crap at life. I hate myself.

My therapist told me about a thing called a trousseau where throughout your early life (teens) you start gathering things that will be for your home in the future when you move out. I thought this was a really good idea. I told my boyfriend about it and he thought it was cool too so were doing it. So far we have:
- A set of 8 small glasses and 8 tall glasses
- A nice cutlery set
- A set of black and white tea towls
I think were aiming to buy 1 or 2 things a week to add to our collection. We are moving out together next year so by the time we find a place we will have heaps of stuff. Also we went to the bank together yesterday and both set up another savings account that is specifically for when we move out. We both have arranged an amount of money to go in weekly that we can't take out. Hopefully that will help us out next year. It feels like things are really happening, like school is almost over, I'm almost finished my traineeship, I'm 18 in two days, I'm moving out soon, all this stuff is happening. It's exciting but sad too.

I'm at work and I really should do work but I don't want to. Last night Connor and I watched Madagascar 1 and 2. I love them, he doesnt't but he loves me so he watched them.

Ok I really have to get some work done.

I'll post again soon

xxx

Today

Today

3x Pepsi Max 15kjs(3cals)
Strawberry 400kjs (95cals)
Apple 250kjs (59cals)

Total= 665kjs (158cals)

thats all

I went to Bathurst for therapy and I didn't eat

xxx

Pretty

The greasy fry is cannot lie

It's truth is written on your thigh

Maxxxi

Comment reply-

Emma- Kjs or kilojoules are a unit of measurement for energy, just like a calorie but its a more exact measurement. For every 1 calorie there are 4.18kjs, if your from America or I think the UK you only use calories but here in Australia we moslty use kjs to measure energy in food. Yes parents can be difficult but where would we be without them? lol. Thanks for the good luck wishes xxx

Last night Connor was really upset, like he was just thinking about all the terrible things in his life and getting upset about them. It was things like he was teased as a child etc. I felt so bad because I know everyone has hurt in their lives but his are so miniscule in comparrison to others. Really he has the perfect life. He has the most beautiful family, he was given everything when he was growing up, he was never said no to and he has never suffered any real trauma. Hes so lucky. I feel like a bad girlfriend but I'm so jealous. I had my childhood stolen away from me and so many times I've been told that I've already suffered so much more pain then most people do in their lives. Anyway because he was talking about his childhood it made me think about mine and I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I wanted him to know how lucky he is. So I told him why I was crying and he stayed up most of the night with me while I cried. I was like, hysterical, I couldn't stop. He even wiped my yucky nose for me. He is the best boyfriend ever.

Anyway today I am staying home studying for the rest of my exams. Tourism went well I think, I hope anyway.

I will probably post more later

xxx

Tourism

Eaten so far today :
Cereal with milk and a bannana 1220kjs (290cals)

Thats it so far but mum made me a sandwhich with vegimite (900kjs/214cals) and sultanas (395kjs/93cals)

That will bring my total up to 2515kjs (598cals)

Then I'll have to eat dinner tonight with mumma

I suck

I have my tourism exam today so I should be studying, well I was studying but I got distracted. I will study more after this post. Its cold here, very very cold. I don't like it.
I leave for my exam in an hour so I'm going to go study =]

Thank you to the lovely people who commented on the pics I posted =]

This is me =]

Hello =]
I have decided to post some pics of me and Lissy (lovelyandthin.blogspot.com) to show you who we are, we're not creepy old men, and now you know for sure =]

This is Lissy and me relatively normal

This is us crazy!!

This is us enjoying some tea and cake, or at least pretending

I'm the blonde one if you didn't get that =]

Food

I have made an agreement with lovely Lissa (lovelyandthin.blogspot.com) to post what we eat each day so here goes:

Milo 800kjs(200cals)
Biscuit 300kjs(75cals)
Rice with egg 700kjs(174cals)
Bannana 350kjs (87cals)
Strawberrys 140kjs (35cals)
Juice 359kjs (88cals)

total= 2650kjs (663cals)

Update
Iceblock 260kjs (70cals)
Apple 250kjs (62cals)
Tuna 530kjs (132cals)
Crackers 170kjs (42cals)
Dinner-
Pasta, cheese, tuna, bread, egg 1317kjs (329cals)

New total= 5177kjs(1232cals)

Sarah- I was doing good...

Good Morning Starshine

Comment Replies =]

Ava-Rose- I thought I hadn't heard from you in a while, I'm still here posting random shit. Thanks for commenting xxx

Bella- You are so beautiful, to me, can't you see! Your smelly!!!!

I'm at school supposed to be studying. I should be because I have an exam tomorrow. But I don't want to. I'm in the library with Lissa, shes being a good girl sudying. Probably because her teacher is here. She looks pretty today, I would like to tell her that but it would distract her, I'll tell her later.

Last night I was very sick, I still am today but I had to come to school. I feel like shit.

I'm kinda hungry but I've already had 1100kjs (261cals) and I don't want to eat.

Welcome new followers! You make me feel special, feel free to comment, I always reply in the next post

I'll post more later lovelies =]

p.s I think I've chosen my car- Toyota Corolla its cuteeee

Sacrifice

"If there is just one piece of advice I can give you, it's this: When theres something you really want, fight for it, don't give up, no matter how hopeless it seems, and when you've lost hope, ask yourself in 10 hours from now, if your gonna wish you gave it just one more shot"

Oh baby

I had a hole in my heart

So I threw away my plate

Coz nothing could fill me up

Whatever I ate

I don't know what to write, how odd, what should I write about?

My sister went home today, I'm kind of glad coz she eats heaps and expects me to eat too, which I did. I will try to eat less this week, hopefully I will lose some weight. I want to be able to have before and after pics to be proud of. My eating disorder specialist will be back from his ski trip in New Zealand soon which means I'll have to see him again. I hate lying to people, I hardly ever do, I just tell them I don't eat because I'm fat. I dont want to lie to the doc, but I don't know what else I can do.

I found the type of outfit I would like to wear to big day out in January 2011 but I'm to fat, and I'm pretty sure I'll still be too fat in January. But if some miracle happens and I'm skinny, I'll wear short denim cutoffs and a one piece with cut outs on top =] then a baggy singlet over the top which I might take off throughout the day.

I have had about 1600kjs(380cals) today and its only 11am. I will have some fruit salad for lunch and hopefully I can just tell mum I'm really tired and go to bed early without dinner. That probably won't happen as she knows that me going to bed early is one of my warning signs that I'm becoming more depressed. She might make me stay up.

I will probably post more today as I'm at work and when I'm at work I post like 50 times a day.

I want to be a skinny bitch!

Reasons to not eat
- I will be fat
- People will be able to lift me easily
- I will look good in short shorts
- I will be more attractive for Connor
- I will be able to share clothes with Lissa
- I will be beautiful

Reasons to eat
- to make others happy

I just went for lunch, I picked at a salad and had some fruit.
I want to be thin for the summer festivals
I want to sit on Connors sholders and not crush him
I want to wear daisy dukes and a bikini on top

FUCK RECOVERY

In 5 years

I want to be thin

YAY!

So, as you all know, my car got extremely fucked up by a kangaroo and is in the smash repairs. Mum called our solicitor and told him we really need a new car for me but we cant afford it and he said just go and pick one out and the insurance will pay for it!!!!!
I can go and pick any car I want!!!!!
I'm looking at ford territorys and rav 4s lalalalalalalalala
Now I can finally feel like I'm not going to die every time I get in my car.

Of course when people ask "how did you pay for your car??"
I'll say "Someone died and I got inheritance"
I don't want people to know where the money comes from as people treat me differently when they know I was so severly injured as a child that compensation pays for everything.

I can't wait to get my car

High

When your close to tears remember
Someday this will all be over
One day were gonna get so high

Don't you think its time we started
Doing what we always wanted
One day were gonna get so high

Ok so I'm confused ab0out everything and I feel like shit so I'm going to think of my options:
1. Try harder with recovery
2. Go back to my old ways
3. Become morbidly obese and eat myself to death
4. Just go with the flow

I could also just get drunk and take drugs all the time to numb all of lifes pains

I know one thing, if mum hadn't 'safe proofed' my room by taking all my drugs, I would be taking laxatives tonight without a doubt

xxx

Untitled

Bella- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ITS WEIRD!!!

Sarah- Thank you so much xxx

I'm at my house with my Mum, Connor, Laura and Gary. I would rather be alone, assessing my life. I would like to decide whether what I'm doing is right, if its what I want to do.

mum just called me for dinner, fuck, more food

Hello World

Comment Replies

Eibbroc- Thanks, I appreciate it xxx

Bella- Don't worry to much or you will age prematurly and I wont' hang out with you hahahahaha love you

Sarah- I'll try xxx

Just an update, I am feeling better, thanks for the concern everyone.
I went to hospital and had a 4 hour intense session. It was crazy!
Then I went and had a meeting at school which went really well so I feel as though things will get better soon.
I'm almost finished my major work which is due on Monday so thats good too.
Overall I'm confident I'll get through the HSC
I hope this feeling lasts

Good Morning

I have been up most of the night doing nothing but unable to sleep.

I cut myself last night for the first time in 3 years.

I took all the laxatives I could.

I cried and I cried and I cried.

Mum looked at me and cried.

I hate myself

Mum is taking me to hospital today.

Last time this happened they took all sharp objects off me and someone watched me 24/7, including in the shower.

Whats happening to me?

Fucking Kangaroo

Hello all,

So, last night I was driving myself and a friend from work home from Sydney and out of nowhere, this MASSIVE mother fucking kangaroo jumps out in front of us. For those of you who are not Australian, kangaroos are these fucking annoying animals that jump around everywhere and tourists seem to love them. In the country they are everywhere.

So anyway this roo jumps out in front of us and it must have been about 100kgs and 2m tall. It dented my car so badly it can't be driven, smashed the lights, broke something under the car and some other damage. My car is in the smash repairs now.

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!

This means no going anywhere, no social life, pretty much sitting on a bus.

Also, my birthday is in two weeks and birthday money has now become car money, so no birthday party for me.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

Off to Sydney

comment replies

pixiestix_014- I always wanted a big brother but now I appreciate my sister more. Its good your sis understands. Does your brother know?

Bella- My little Lissy, I wouldn't be surprised if half the things I've given you were once hers hahaha. Oh I remember that lip gloss, you could never open it and it smelled funny

I took LIDA for the first time today, I'm not sure if it works yet but I hope it does. I want to be skinny skinny!! lalalala

I keep on fucking up like everyday with my new healthy eating plan so I really have to try harder. Or I could just stop trying? I don't know.

I'm heading off to Sydney in 25 mins so I should really finish packing.

I will write more at some point as this has been a pretty sad post.

xxx

My sister

Comment reply

pixiestix_014- I'm glad your ok, Tyler sounds lovely. Yes Connor is the most amazing person and he's fun! I will write about my sister in this blog. Thanks for commenting xxx

Rifgt now I'm at work, yes, I should be working. But I can't be bothered. I thought today I would tell you all about my sister.
Her name is Laura and she is 21 years old. She is my best friend and I love her so much. She is quite a large girl which makes it hard for me when I go and stay there. She tells me I'm stupid when I don't eat and says all my diets are crazy. She's right. I think when I go and stay with her this weekend I will tell her about my ed so she can quit being a bitch. It will probably make her more of a bitch though haha.
I always steal my sisters clothes, makeup, hair stuff, clips and much much more. She gets shitty at me for stealing all her stuff but thats what little sisters are for!!
Laura is 3 years older then me and I love being the younger sister.

I should probably do some work now, I'll write more later

xxx

A happy post

pixiestix_014 you have made me want to post a happy message because yes, I do have people I can talk to. I have a beautiful best friend Elissa and a wonderful boyfriend Connor. Thank you for helping me remember this. Also, I don't see myself as strong, but thank you anyway

xxx

All of my posts lately have been sad so here is a happy one. I have the most amazing boyfriend I could possibly ask for, he is funny, nice, caring, good looking and loving. He is always there for me and I can turn to him for anything.

To often I push him away, tell him to go away, be mean to him. No matter what, he forgives me, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop him from loving me =]

This weekend I'm going to stay with my lovely sister Laura and her roomate Cara. I always have so much fun with those two, they are two wonderful girls.

I have so much good things in my life, that I know I take for granted

xxx