Whip my hair

I'm almost back to my highest weight ever. FUCK.

Hush hush

I wanna run and hide

Hello,
How are you?
I am ok, I feel a little ill though.
I wish I were thin.
Why are some people naturally thin?
Its unfair.
Lately I have been feeling embarrassed when I go out in public.
I'm so ashamed of being so fat.

Everything will be ok right?

I will put my mind to it, like I always do.

I will lose the weight like I always do.

I will be happy for a few weeks/months.

Then I will gain the weight back, like I always do.

I don't know any other way.

I've been like this to long.

Fuck

Here we go again.

Why does something as stupid as food control my life?

Why do I let it?

My heart hurts.

I feel sad.

I feel like crying.

I feel like hurting myself.

I feel dead.

The intake of Beth

Today:
orange- 257kjs (62cals)
2x cruskits- 179kjs (42cals)
berries- 150kjs (35cals)
carrot- 123kjs (30cals)
celery- 2kjs (1cal)
tuna salad- 229kjs (54cals)
fruit salad- 500kjs (119cals)
chocolate- 3000kjs (714cals)
mango- 562kjs (135cals)
fish and salad- 370kjs (88cals)
orange- 250kjs (60cals)

Total- 5622kjs (1338cals)

Imagine that without the chocolate, FUCK YOU CHOCOLATE

Kjs/cals burned:
4737kjs/1127cals

Total intake - energy burned= 885kjs / 210cals

I still feel like shit even though my intake for today was pretty low

I have to be better with things like stupid chocolate

Todays war with food

So far so good, I'm scared I'm going to fuck up though. I have had:
Tuna salad- 227kjs (54cals)
Carrot- 105kjs (25cals)
Blueberrys- 41kjs (10cals)
Raspberries- 41kjs (10cals)
Pepsi max- 8kjs (2cals)
Piece of fish- 350kjs (83cals)

Total so far- 772kjs (184cals)

I will probably have an orange later, a carrot maybe? All together I don't think I will go over 500cals if I don't stuff up. I hope I don't, then this will be the first day in a long time that I will be succesful.

Baby I got a plan

Hello my kittens,
Today was day one of my new diet plan, and I fucked up. I started the day well, blueberries for breakfast and a pepsi max when I got to work. Then people brought chocolate in for christmas... I ate it. Yep, what an idiot. Anyway then I had rainbow tuna salad for lunch which is good, then I had some baby food, then for dinner with Jonno I had fish and chips. So overall it was a fail of a day. Oh well, tomorrow will be better. There is always tomorrow.
I have so much more to write but I can't be bothered right now. I will post better later.
Love you all
xxx

=)

I will be thin
You will be thin
We will be thin

I have renewed hope
Things will get better
If not only to get worse again
At least they will be better for a while

Keep working on the problem

I came upon a doctor that appeard in quite poor health, I said theres nothing I can do for you you can't do for yourself, he said oh yes you can just hold my hand, I think that that would help so I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt he said I think I'm cured, in fact I'm sure, thank you stranger for your theraputic smile

Today was the first time in a while that I cried, I mean really cried. I'm talking like body shaking sobs. I need help but I don't know where to get it anymore now that I moved. My heart aches, is this what life is like? Is there love? Happiness? Anything? How do I get these things? Why do some people get to feel them and I don't? Maybe I don't deserve it, I haven't exactly lived a good honest life, I have lied, cheated, hurt people who are close to me. Is anything worth fighting for?

Thats how I learnt the lesson, that everyones alone, and your eyes must do some rainin if your ever gonna grow

I binged today. Yep, I shovelled food into my stupid fat mouth, what a fucking loser. What a fail of a day. I went swimming but not enough, I left to early. I wish I could see Jonno today but I think I like him so much more then he likes me. Like he doesn't want to see me after work, but I would be willing to see him whenever I could. I would travel for hours to spend the night with him. I want him to feel the same but I understand why he doesn't, how could someone love someone like me?

Baby don't worry, coz now I've got your back, and everytime you feel like crying I will try and make you laugh, and if I can't if it just hurts to bad then we'll wait for it to pass, and I will keep you company for those days so long and black

Insert witty title here

Jonno knows about my blog. He knows how to find it. I made him promise he wouldn't read it but I don't know if he will or not, so Jonathan, if your reading this, your in big trouble mister!
Anyway I had planned to wake up early this morning so I could go swimming before work but my alarm didn't go off! I swear I set it! Anyway now I feel like a fat piece of shit so I'm going to see what time the pool closes and see if I can go after work.
I'm starting a new eating plan today and I hope I can stick to it. See Jonno and I are having a competition to see who can get a 6-pack first. I know he isn't really serious about it and probably won't try but its good motivation for me. If I get time later I will post my new plan.
Anyway I have to get ready for work now, have a good day everyone!
xxx

Back to the Future

Hey lovely followers,
I moved house again, its a lot better. I now live with a couple, John and Jana. Jonh is 25 and Jana is 23, its so good livng with people more my age. For those of you who live in Australia you know the footy team Cronulla Sharks? I live with John Williams from that team. For those of you not in Aus google him, I pretty much live with a famous NRL star. They are a beautiful couple, both stunningly good looking and really nice.
Eating has been ok, not what I would like it to be, but I'm getting a little better. I still eat way to much, but I have been ok... For dinner I ate a tuna salad, I am going drinking toinight which means calorieeeeessssssssss.
The other night I went out in Kings Cross... I spent over $1000 on strippers. My friend and I payed $100 for a private dance, the stripper took us into a private room and got naked. We had so much fun but the next day I felt really dirty. We couldn't believe how much we had spent. Whatever though we had a good time and a stripper showed me her genital piercing hahaha.
I am going to a party tonight with my boyfriend so I have to go get ready. I don't really feel like it coz I am so tired but whatever.
Talk later my pretties
xoxox

Still fucking up

Now I have moved out its the easiest time for me not to eat, I told the people I live with that I am a vegetarian so I don't have to eat with them, but I'm still fucking up. I eat to much.
I have started catching up on all your blogs, sorry I haven't commented in ages. Since I don't have the internet at home anymore its hard for me to get on, but I promise I'm trying.
Anyway I suppose this is a good time for a catch up sesh. Jonno and I are in an internet cafe in the city and he is playing World of Warcraft hahahaha!!! He is so cute.
I gained weight but its not a reliable figure as I used 2 different scales so it could be different. Anyway I will try and write again soon, love you all
xxx

FATfatFATfat

I am fat. Way to fat. Disgustingly fat. It's horrible.

I want to be a skinny bitch. I want to be thin.

FUCKKKKKKKKKK

I've been looking into a gym membership but since I moved out I have hardly any money so its hard, I can't find anywhere cheap. I want to start swimming and pilates again. I need another job.

fuckity fuck