I'm just feeling very depressed today. I don't want to write about Andrew because I am using his computer so he could see. Andrew if your reading this, go away!
I'm a loser. I have no friends. What is the point?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
cupcake
Today I had a chocolate bar. My teacher at college gave it to me as a prize for getting 100% on a test. She is so cute haha.
Andrew and I have been struggling financially more then usual lately. Mum has been giving me about $300 every week to help us and she can't afford it anymore. I feel really bad because its my fault for not working. Anyway so last week we were $300 short and we ended up having to ask Andrews mum for money. It was horrible because she is so mean to Andrew when he needs help. Its like she takes pleasure in kicking him while he is down.
On monday I am starting a 5 week course which is an add on to the course I am already doing but at the end I will be able to work for $25 an hour. Thats really good considering I've been on about $15. So that will help us heaps. In the meantime I am selling my iPhone 4, Pandora bracelet and a microphone on ebay so hopefully that will get me some cash.
Losing my job has had the biggest toll. I mean I can't believe that only a couple of months ago I bought a $3000 lounge and heaps of other stuff. I really thought I was secure in my job. But oh well if I didn't get fired I wouldn't be in college now so I guess it all happened for a reason. not saying that I believe everything happens for a reason but every choice I have made has led me to where I am now.
I am watching cupcake wars now, it is making me want cupcakes haha. I love shows like this. All cake shows really.
This post has been a bit all over the place but thats how I am feeling at the moment. A bit lost and a bit all over the place. The only thing really keeping me grounded at the moment is Andrew. If I look back to even 5 months ago, the only thing that is the same is Andrew. Different town, different house, no job, I'm studying now, I haven't seen my friends in months, just everything really.
Anyway Andrew is home now so I am going to go tackle him with hugs and kisses!!!! Hope you are all well!
Andrew and I have been struggling financially more then usual lately. Mum has been giving me about $300 every week to help us and she can't afford it anymore. I feel really bad because its my fault for not working. Anyway so last week we were $300 short and we ended up having to ask Andrews mum for money. It was horrible because she is so mean to Andrew when he needs help. Its like she takes pleasure in kicking him while he is down.
On monday I am starting a 5 week course which is an add on to the course I am already doing but at the end I will be able to work for $25 an hour. Thats really good considering I've been on about $15. So that will help us heaps. In the meantime I am selling my iPhone 4, Pandora bracelet and a microphone on ebay so hopefully that will get me some cash.
Losing my job has had the biggest toll. I mean I can't believe that only a couple of months ago I bought a $3000 lounge and heaps of other stuff. I really thought I was secure in my job. But oh well if I didn't get fired I wouldn't be in college now so I guess it all happened for a reason. not saying that I believe everything happens for a reason but every choice I have made has led me to where I am now.
I am watching cupcake wars now, it is making me want cupcakes haha. I love shows like this. All cake shows really.
This post has been a bit all over the place but thats how I am feeling at the moment. A bit lost and a bit all over the place. The only thing really keeping me grounded at the moment is Andrew. If I look back to even 5 months ago, the only thing that is the same is Andrew. Different town, different house, no job, I'm studying now, I haven't seen my friends in months, just everything really.
Anyway Andrew is home now so I am going to go tackle him with hugs and kisses!!!! Hope you are all well!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
distance
Lately I have been feeling like a loser. I just can't seem to make any friends at college. I know its only my second week but I can't help thinking if I were thinner I would be able to make friends. These are the thoughts I used to think when I was really sick with my ED so I'm trying not to think like that. When we have to pair up in class I'm left over. I eat lunch alone. I heard the class making plans to do something all together and they didn't invite me.
Anyway I am changing classes on monday because ours is over filled and a spot became open in another class. I think I will fit in much better there because their class is much quieter and my class is so loud everyones always yelling and laughing etc and its hard for me to come out of my shell there. I think in the new class I will be able to overcome some of my shyness.
Anyway Andrew is waiting for me so we can go to the shops so I will post more later. Oh yeah we skipped the weigh in last week haha. I think I will have gained again and this weekend I have high tea AND brazilian bbq so more weight to gain!!
Byeee
Anyway I am changing classes on monday because ours is over filled and a spot became open in another class. I think I will fit in much better there because their class is much quieter and my class is so loud everyones always yelling and laughing etc and its hard for me to come out of my shell there. I think in the new class I will be able to overcome some of my shyness.
Anyway Andrew is waiting for me so we can go to the shops so I will post more later. Oh yeah we skipped the weigh in last week haha. I think I will have gained again and this weekend I have high tea AND brazilian bbq so more weight to gain!!
Byeee
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
weigh in
So I weighed myself this morning, lost another 1.3kgs (2.9lbs) from last week. That brings my total to 7.6kgs (16.7lbs). I don't feel any different but the other day I tried on a pair of jeans that a couple of months ago didn't fit over my fat thighs. Now they fit me. And I had to put my bra on a tighter hook. Those are the only changes I've noticed.
I think I will go and have a bowl of steamed veggies soon, and maybe some tuna later. We have pretty much no food in the house and I only have $10 on my card. I want to go to the shops later and buy something for me to have for lunch tomorrow on my first day of college =)
I need to clean the house. I don't want to. Its so messy. Oh well it has to be done.
I think I will go and have a bowl of steamed veggies soon, and maybe some tuna later. We have pretty much no food in the house and I only have $10 on my card. I want to go to the shops later and buy something for me to have for lunch tomorrow on my first day of college =)
I need to clean the house. I don't want to. Its so messy. Oh well it has to be done.
Monday, July 9, 2012
freaking out!
désespérée de maigrir - Thanks for asking, I am going to beauty school in Sydney, Australia.
Today I have to go to my mums to see my financial advisor. I have to be there at 5:15pm so I will leave around 3:30pm. I really can't be bothered to go but I have to sign some forms.
Its getting closer to the court case.... Apart from food and dieting etc its all I think of. I am worried and scared. I don't want to get on the witness stand. I don't to speak in front of all those people. I don't want to tell everyone whats wrong with me and what I've been through. I think whats freaking me out the most is that all these people, all the doctors who are expert witnesses, my solicitor, my barrister, the judge, the defendent... They are all there for me. Its all about me. There is a two week trial where they will just be talking about me. I have always thought I didn't matter and now this is happening and its overwhelming. My solicitor and my barrister have flown around the country to take my brain scans to the top specialists. All for me. Its so crazy. I don't want to fuck up in court and ruin everyones hard work over the last 11 years.
Anyway I'm going to get my mind off things and watch a cake show. Hope everyone is well xxx
Today I have to go to my mums to see my financial advisor. I have to be there at 5:15pm so I will leave around 3:30pm. I really can't be bothered to go but I have to sign some forms.
Its getting closer to the court case.... Apart from food and dieting etc its all I think of. I am worried and scared. I don't want to get on the witness stand. I don't to speak in front of all those people. I don't want to tell everyone whats wrong with me and what I've been through. I think whats freaking me out the most is that all these people, all the doctors who are expert witnesses, my solicitor, my barrister, the judge, the defendent... They are all there for me. Its all about me. There is a two week trial where they will just be talking about me. I have always thought I didn't matter and now this is happening and its overwhelming. My solicitor and my barrister have flown around the country to take my brain scans to the top specialists. All for me. Its so crazy. I don't want to fuck up in court and ruin everyones hard work over the last 11 years.
Anyway I'm going to get my mind off things and watch a cake show. Hope everyone is well xxx
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Just a quickie
My diet has been going terribly. I have been eating heaps of junk food.
I had an orientation for college which I start on Wednesday. Its a private college so it was pretty fancy.
Andrew and I are going to watch some TV and smoke some billys now so byeeeeee xxx
I had an orientation for college which I start on Wednesday. Its a private college so it was pretty fancy.
Andrew and I are going to watch some TV and smoke some billys now so byeeeeee xxx
Friday, July 6, 2012
houston, I think we have a problem
Today I went to lunch with my dad, I had a beef kebab and a couple of hot chips... very unhealthy. I have been watching cake shows all day like cupcake wars, cake boss: next great baker, ace of cakes, DC cupcakes and more. I am addicted to all things to do with cake decorating. Anyway I wanted to go and get a really nice cupcake so I drove to Castle Hill which is about 15 mins from my house and dorve around the carpark about 5 or 6 times and couldn't get a park. So I just drove back home. Disappointing.
I just want to have surgery like lipo and a tummy tuck etc instead of putting in hard work and effort haha. I'm so lazy lately I have let my home go. Nothing is clean or tidy. Everything is out of place. I don't care but Andrew probably does.
I wish I were different. I want to be somebody else. Someone who has friends. Even one friend. Someone fun. Someone thin.
I just want to have surgery like lipo and a tummy tuck etc instead of putting in hard work and effort haha. I'm so lazy lately I have let my home go. Nothing is clean or tidy. Everything is out of place. I don't care but Andrew probably does.
I wish I were different. I want to be somebody else. Someone who has friends. Even one friend. Someone fun. Someone thin.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Another ramble
So I am feeling really down because our internet and foxtel have been cut off and we've had a warning from the electricity company that if we don't pay they will cut us off too. I spent my last $10 today on two microwave meals. The last 2 nights we have had sausages because they're nice and cheap. Anyway I have decided to make a list off all the things(in no particular order, just as they pop into my head) I am going to buy when I get my compensation to make me feel better.
1. A house. I am going to buy a house in the area I am in. Its going to be really big, the main bedroom will have an ensuite and a walk in wardrobe. It will have a beautiful outdoor area with a pool and BBQ.
2. A personal Trainer. I am going to get a trainer probably 4 times a week to get me in shape.
3. Clothes!!!! I am going to spend a few thousand dollars on clothes for myself and Andrew. We both haven't had new clothes in so long so I am excited for that.
4. A car. I might not get a car straight away but I really want an Audi TT. My car I have now was brand new at Christmas so I don't need one its just a want.
5. Plastic surgery. After I lose most of my weight I will get a tummy tuck so I'm nice and flat. Then a boob job too.
6. A holiday. Well a few actually. I am going to go to the UK with my sister to visit our family over there. Andrew and I were thinking about Thailand or somewhere nice like that. And my friend asked me to go to America with her next year too.
7. Furniture. I am going to get all new furniture for the house, Andrew thinks I should get an interior designer as well which I agree with because I wouldn't be able to plan each room.
8. I think I will give Andrews mum about $5000 because everytime we can't make rent she pays it for us. And sometimes she randonly does some grocery shopping for us. Anyway she has spent a lot of money on us so I really want to give something to her.
9. I also want to do something for my mum too, not give her money though because she is getting money from the insurance company.
I am mostly excited about never having to worry about another bill for the rest of my life. See I will have a trustee who will pay my bills automatically for me. Oh yeah the first weekend I have my money I will go to the city and party so hard!!!!!!! hahahah!
I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in 2 months after the trial. My court case starts on August 20th.
Anyway this has made me feel a little better hahah. Hope all is well with you xxx
1. A house. I am going to buy a house in the area I am in. Its going to be really big, the main bedroom will have an ensuite and a walk in wardrobe. It will have a beautiful outdoor area with a pool and BBQ.
2. A personal Trainer. I am going to get a trainer probably 4 times a week to get me in shape.
3. Clothes!!!! I am going to spend a few thousand dollars on clothes for myself and Andrew. We both haven't had new clothes in so long so I am excited for that.
4. A car. I might not get a car straight away but I really want an Audi TT. My car I have now was brand new at Christmas so I don't need one its just a want.
5. Plastic surgery. After I lose most of my weight I will get a tummy tuck so I'm nice and flat. Then a boob job too.
6. A holiday. Well a few actually. I am going to go to the UK with my sister to visit our family over there. Andrew and I were thinking about Thailand or somewhere nice like that. And my friend asked me to go to America with her next year too.
7. Furniture. I am going to get all new furniture for the house, Andrew thinks I should get an interior designer as well which I agree with because I wouldn't be able to plan each room.
8. I think I will give Andrews mum about $5000 because everytime we can't make rent she pays it for us. And sometimes she randonly does some grocery shopping for us. Anyway she has spent a lot of money on us so I really want to give something to her.
9. I also want to do something for my mum too, not give her money though because she is getting money from the insurance company.
I am mostly excited about never having to worry about another bill for the rest of my life. See I will have a trustee who will pay my bills automatically for me. Oh yeah the first weekend I have my money I will go to the city and party so hard!!!!!!! hahahah!
I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in 2 months after the trial. My court case starts on August 20th.
Anyway this has made me feel a little better hahah. Hope all is well with you xxx
Monday, July 2, 2012
untitled
I'm starting to spiral into a depression. Today I woke up determined to get the cross trianer out of the garage and use it for an hour then do zumba as well. Well I got the cross trainer inside (it was really heavy and I had to drag it up stairs... not easy) and the strides are way to short. Its so awkward to use, its really squeeky and the computer on it doesn't work. So I didn't do that. Then I just got really disheartened and smoked a bong and watched the simpsons. Then at 3pm I went to bed and woke up at 5pm. I am really glad I slept because I was so exhausted, I feel a little better now.
Today I have eaten a tuna salad with avocado, a banana, a spoon of peanut butter and a bowl of steamed veggies. I think for dinner we will have sausages, potato and steamed veggies.
After my bad weekend I had a gain of 1/2 a kilo. So not too bad. but still I would have rather seen a loss.
I am still really tired and feeling pretty down. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Just curl up in a ball and sleep and sleep and sleep.
Anyway I am going to go start on dinner. Hope you are all well xxx
Today I have eaten a tuna salad with avocado, a banana, a spoon of peanut butter and a bowl of steamed veggies. I think for dinner we will have sausages, potato and steamed veggies.
After my bad weekend I had a gain of 1/2 a kilo. So not too bad. but still I would have rather seen a loss.
I am still really tired and feeling pretty down. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Just curl up in a ball and sleep and sleep and sleep.
Anyway I am going to go start on dinner. Hope you are all well xxx
Sunday, July 1, 2012
FAT!
I am feeling so fat right now. I fucked up so bad over the weekend. I had donuts, bread, ice cream, m&m's, red licorice, a burger and more. I have been out and about all weekend and was getting take away etc.
I have been thinking about being thin so much. I picture myslef with the perfect body every night before I go to sleep. I find my mind wandering off sometimes to thin thoughts.
I wish I had a treadmill, Andrew is looking for a cheap one online. I have a cross trainer in my garage but the strides are so short I find it hard to use. Oh well I asked Andrew to bring it up anyway and I'll try using it again.
I have a problem. I eat so well in the day but then I get high every night and get the munchies and eat heaps. I always think ok I just have to stop smoking but I really don't want to. I like getting high but I hate how much I eat when I do. Ahhh what a dilema.
I am dreading the weigh in. I know I have gained.
I have been thinking about being thin so much. I picture myslef with the perfect body every night before I go to sleep. I find my mind wandering off sometimes to thin thoughts.
I wish I had a treadmill, Andrew is looking for a cheap one online. I have a cross trainer in my garage but the strides are so short I find it hard to use. Oh well I asked Andrew to bring it up anyway and I'll try using it again.
I have a problem. I eat so well in the day but then I get high every night and get the munchies and eat heaps. I always think ok I just have to stop smoking but I really don't want to. I like getting high but I hate how much I eat when I do. Ahhh what a dilema.
I am dreading the weigh in. I know I have gained.
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