Tips

that I just read for reducing hunger pains:

1. Eliminate meals- eating 3 meals a day actually increases hunger as the body comes to expect food more often. Late meals and snacks will only increase the desire to eat and as a result you will remain hungry.
2. Have sex- Having sex early in the day can help decrease hunger throughout the day but sex in the evening increases the body's need to retain nutrients thus making you hungry
3. Exercise early, walk late- Exercise twice a day with srenous exercise and weights in the morninr, and a light walk in the evening
4. Eat pears- Pears can eliminate cravings for sweets and make you feel fuller for longer due to the fibre
5. Fasting- this will help to cleanse the body's entire system and enhance the body's internal functions. 2-3 cups of tea will help curb hunger

Hold me closer

"My favourite thing to do is roll around in a pile of cash, wearing a suit made out of cash, while people throw cash at me"

hahahaha that made me laugh.

I'm sitting here with a 2L bottle of coke zero drinking straight from the bottle. I wish I had some self control. Not about the coke lol, about food. I hate it, but I can't stop. Rihanna is staring at me from the picture on my desk. Fuck off Rihanna.

Oh how it feels so real, lying here, with no-one near, only you, but you can't hear me

I feel like, I don't know. Someone just posted the most beautiful picture in their blog, I can't remember who... anyway its exactly what I want to look like. I'm going to go save it off their page hehehe

Pretty eyes, pirate smile, she married a music man

I need to get back in the groove, I was doing so well for a while, why can't I do it? I need some words of... I don't know... encouragement? Not really, I need to be told that I will never be thin and beautiful, I'll always be hideous if I keep eating so much

Lay me down in sheets of linen

Confession

I have a confession to make...

My boyfriend does my hair

On days I do my hair it looks like this:

Notice it has been carelessy shoved up in a pony tail with minimal effort.

On days Connor does my hair it looks like this:

Notice the care and precision, the effort, the time it must have taken.

honestly... I HATE doing my hair, its like a chore. Its something I just don't want to do

I'm glad I shared this with you guys xxx

P.s this is us (he is smexy isn't he =P):

Diets Diets

Comment Replies

Emma- I do advanced english, general mathematics, society and culture, PDHPE (personal development, health and physical education) and tourism hospitality and events. If you go to school what do you do?

Hey girlfriends!
I just got home from an afternoon of shopping with Lissy, fun fun. I eat to much, all the time. Tomorrow I will start a new diet. Maybe fasting one day on, one day off? or baby food? or fasting except dinner? I don't know...
Anyone on anything good?

Say you'll stay

Comment Replies-
Sarah- hahah don't worry I have a lot of crappy music too
Ava-Rose- I love The Scientist too, and Clocks and all their songs really
Pixiestix_014- YES!!! I love MJ, I used to have the number 1 album of his but I don't know where it went, I wish I could find it. I love Dirty Diana, and Ben haha
Eibbroc- I love Coldplay, you might like Bright Eyes too

WELCOME NEW FOLLOWER!!

I have to go off to school in a minute and I really don't want to, I only have 2 classes so its not so bad but still, I would rather sleep.

So I had my birthday celebraations on the weekend and I must have eaten enough to last me a few months haha. I vomited after lunch, not on purpose, I just did. That shows what a pig I am. Oh well, it was my birthday so... I'm allowed?
My sister kept getting really upset about how fat she is, and I feel really annoyed everytime she does. Everyone goes "omg your not fat!!"... Liars. I know I sound like a bitch ut its just really annoying when people complain about being fat but do nothing about it, like she could go on a diet? But she doesn't, she just complains that shes fat. Annoying

Anyway I really have to go to school now

byeeeeee
xxx

Songs

Due to popular demand (LOL) I am going to write a list of my favorite songs and what they mean to me:
Wish you were here by Pink Floyd- My all time favorite song, if you haven't heard this, you haven't lived. One thing that has NEVER failed to make me cry it the Live 8 reunion song (go to youtube and type in 'Pink Floyd- wish you were here- live 8). In the beginning, he says this little speech, so sad. This song truly makes my heart and soul sing. I wish I was as good with words as Elissa is, I'm going to ask her to write how I feel about this song haha
Yellow by Coldplay- This song is close to my heart as it was played at my sisters funeral. I love the poetic lyrics "your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful" and "you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry, for you I'd bleed myself dry". If you have every truly loved someone, you can relate to this song.
Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)- Honestly I know a lot of people think that this is the lamest song they've ever hear but I think its amazing, everything he says, I agree with. I wish everyone would listen to this song.
Everybody Hurts by R.E.M- A very sincere and truthful song, always cuts to the core of me, especially if you watch the film clip and read the bit at the bottom.

I also recommend Silverchair, Bright Eyes, Muse, more Coldplay, Thirsty Merc and Santana.

Don't get me wrong I still love Britney Spears, Christina, Katey Perry etc!

Anyone have any to recommend to me?

feather

Pixistix_014- they are all quotes from songs by Bright eyes, if you dont know them you must listen!!! I honestly think they make the most amazing lyrics, so raw, so honest, every song is so beautiful. I'll recommend a few of my favorites:
Lua- a lot of people associate this song with having bulimia but to me its about falling in love for one night, and how everything is easyier until you really have to think about it
Lover I don't have to love- a song about a one night stand and partying etc, I think its about emptiness and worth
False advirtising- this one is so honest, it really shows how he feels and the truth about the music industry
First day of my life- the most beautiful love song, it makes me cry its so stunning

I really feel like listening to Bright Eyes now, if anyone else has heard these songs, what do you think?

Bright Eyes

Your looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black

Just keep going to the bathroom always say you'll be right back
well it takes one to know one kid, I think you got it bad
But what was simple in the moonlight by the mornings such a drag

You write such pretty words, but lifes no story book

Loves an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt

Do you like to hurt? I do, I do, then hurt me

On a stage I was pushed, with my sorrow well rehearsed

So give me all your pitty, and your money now

all of it

Beautiful Disaster

Last night as I was driving home from Katoomba, I looked over at Elissa, fast asleep, and I smiled, a true smile

Comment replies
Sarah- Thank you but really my attempts are quite sad xxx

Yesterday I got my sternum pierced, it's cool =] Lissy got it too, it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I didn't think I could keep going, I'm glad I did but I wasn't going to.

A lot of things have happened since I last posted which was to long ago (sorry). I turned 18, I've laughed, I've cried, things have been hard. I really can't be bothered to write them here.

I'm getting my tattoo redone today which will be good. I'm at work now which sucks. A lot.

Anyway sorry I haven't been posting

xxx

Dirty Little Secret

Now that I'm "in recovery" I have told my ed spec and my therapist practically everything, they delve into every little thought and feeling. There is one thing that I have kept secret: my use of the internet in relation to my ed. They don't know about this blog, about PrettyThin, about ProAnaNation or any other things like googling thinspiration. I feel that that would be the final step. When I'm ready to fully recover, telling them about that stuff will be the thing I do.

I'm already well over 5000kjs (1190cals) and its only 1pm.

Young Hearts

I am sick of being fat. It sucks. I wish I were thin. But I'm to crap at life. I hate myself.

My therapist told me about a thing called a trousseau where throughout your early life (teens) you start gathering things that will be for your home in the future when you move out. I thought this was a really good idea. I told my boyfriend about it and he thought it was cool too so were doing it. So far we have:
- A set of 8 small glasses and 8 tall glasses
- A nice cutlery set
- A set of black and white tea towls
I think were aiming to buy 1 or 2 things a week to add to our collection. We are moving out together next year so by the time we find a place we will have heaps of stuff. Also we went to the bank together yesterday and both set up another savings account that is specifically for when we move out. We both have arranged an amount of money to go in weekly that we can't take out. Hopefully that will help us out next year. It feels like things are really happening, like school is almost over, I'm almost finished my traineeship, I'm 18 in two days, I'm moving out soon, all this stuff is happening. It's exciting but sad too.

I'm at work and I really should do work but I don't want to. Last night Connor and I watched Madagascar 1 and 2. I love them, he doesnt't but he loves me so he watched them.

Ok I really have to get some work done.

I'll post again soon

xxx

Today

Today

3x Pepsi Max 15kjs(3cals)
Strawberry 400kjs (95cals)
Apple 250kjs (59cals)

Total= 665kjs (158cals)

thats all

I went to Bathurst for therapy and I didn't eat

xxx

Pretty

The greasy fry is cannot lie

It's truth is written on your thigh

Maxxxi

Comment reply-

Emma- Kjs or kilojoules are a unit of measurement for energy, just like a calorie but its a more exact measurement. For every 1 calorie there are 4.18kjs, if your from America or I think the UK you only use calories but here in Australia we moslty use kjs to measure energy in food. Yes parents can be difficult but where would we be without them? lol. Thanks for the good luck wishes xxx

Last night Connor was really upset, like he was just thinking about all the terrible things in his life and getting upset about them. It was things like he was teased as a child etc. I felt so bad because I know everyone has hurt in their lives but his are so miniscule in comparrison to others. Really he has the perfect life. He has the most beautiful family, he was given everything when he was growing up, he was never said no to and he has never suffered any real trauma. Hes so lucky. I feel like a bad girlfriend but I'm so jealous. I had my childhood stolen away from me and so many times I've been told that I've already suffered so much more pain then most people do in their lives. Anyway because he was talking about his childhood it made me think about mine and I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I wanted him to know how lucky he is. So I told him why I was crying and he stayed up most of the night with me while I cried. I was like, hysterical, I couldn't stop. He even wiped my yucky nose for me. He is the best boyfriend ever.

Anyway today I am staying home studying for the rest of my exams. Tourism went well I think, I hope anyway.

I will probably post more later

xxx

Tourism

Eaten so far today :
Cereal with milk and a bannana 1220kjs (290cals)

Thats it so far but mum made me a sandwhich with vegimite (900kjs/214cals) and sultanas (395kjs/93cals)

That will bring my total up to 2515kjs (598cals)

Then I'll have to eat dinner tonight with mumma

I suck

I have my tourism exam today so I should be studying, well I was studying but I got distracted. I will study more after this post. Its cold here, very very cold. I don't like it.
I leave for my exam in an hour so I'm going to go study =]

Thank you to the lovely people who commented on the pics I posted =]

This is me =]

Hello =]
I have decided to post some pics of me and Lissy (lovelyandthin.blogspot.com) to show you who we are, we're not creepy old men, and now you know for sure =]

This is Lissy and me relatively normal

This is us crazy!!

This is us enjoying some tea and cake, or at least pretending

I'm the blonde one if you didn't get that =]

Food

I have made an agreement with lovely Lissa (lovelyandthin.blogspot.com) to post what we eat each day so here goes:

Milo 800kjs(200cals)
Biscuit 300kjs(75cals)
Rice with egg 700kjs(174cals)
Bannana 350kjs (87cals)
Strawberrys 140kjs (35cals)
Juice 359kjs (88cals)

total= 2650kjs (663cals)

Update
Iceblock 260kjs (70cals)
Apple 250kjs (62cals)
Tuna 530kjs (132cals)
Crackers 170kjs (42cals)
Dinner-
Pasta, cheese, tuna, bread, egg 1317kjs (329cals)

New total= 5177kjs(1232cals)

Sarah- I was doing good...

Good Morning Starshine

Comment Replies =]

Ava-Rose- I thought I hadn't heard from you in a while, I'm still here posting random shit. Thanks for commenting xxx

Bella- You are so beautiful, to me, can't you see! Your smelly!!!!

I'm at school supposed to be studying. I should be because I have an exam tomorrow. But I don't want to. I'm in the library with Lissa, shes being a good girl sudying. Probably because her teacher is here. She looks pretty today, I would like to tell her that but it would distract her, I'll tell her later.

Last night I was very sick, I still am today but I had to come to school. I feel like shit.

I'm kinda hungry but I've already had 1100kjs (261cals) and I don't want to eat.

Welcome new followers! You make me feel special, feel free to comment, I always reply in the next post

I'll post more later lovelies =]

p.s I think I've chosen my car- Toyota Corolla its cuteeee

Sacrifice

"If there is just one piece of advice I can give you, it's this: When theres something you really want, fight for it, don't give up, no matter how hopeless it seems, and when you've lost hope, ask yourself in 10 hours from now, if your gonna wish you gave it just one more shot"

Oh baby

I had a hole in my heart

So I threw away my plate

Coz nothing could fill me up

Whatever I ate

I don't know what to write, how odd, what should I write about?

My sister went home today, I'm kind of glad coz she eats heaps and expects me to eat too, which I did. I will try to eat less this week, hopefully I will lose some weight. I want to be able to have before and after pics to be proud of. My eating disorder specialist will be back from his ski trip in New Zealand soon which means I'll have to see him again. I hate lying to people, I hardly ever do, I just tell them I don't eat because I'm fat. I dont want to lie to the doc, but I don't know what else I can do.

I found the type of outfit I would like to wear to big day out in January 2011 but I'm to fat, and I'm pretty sure I'll still be too fat in January. But if some miracle happens and I'm skinny, I'll wear short denim cutoffs and a one piece with cut outs on top =] then a baggy singlet over the top which I might take off throughout the day.

I have had about 1600kjs(380cals) today and its only 11am. I will have some fruit salad for lunch and hopefully I can just tell mum I'm really tired and go to bed early without dinner. That probably won't happen as she knows that me going to bed early is one of my warning signs that I'm becoming more depressed. She might make me stay up.

I will probably post more today as I'm at work and when I'm at work I post like 50 times a day.

I want to be a skinny bitch!

Reasons to not eat
- I will be fat
- People will be able to lift me easily
- I will look good in short shorts
- I will be more attractive for Connor
- I will be able to share clothes with Lissa
- I will be beautiful

Reasons to eat
- to make others happy

I just went for lunch, I picked at a salad and had some fruit.
I want to be thin for the summer festivals
I want to sit on Connors sholders and not crush him
I want to wear daisy dukes and a bikini on top

FUCK RECOVERY

In 5 years

I want to be thin

YAY!

So, as you all know, my car got extremely fucked up by a kangaroo and is in the smash repairs. Mum called our solicitor and told him we really need a new car for me but we cant afford it and he said just go and pick one out and the insurance will pay for it!!!!!
I can go and pick any car I want!!!!!
I'm looking at ford territorys and rav 4s lalalalalalalalala
Now I can finally feel like I'm not going to die every time I get in my car.

Of course when people ask "how did you pay for your car??"
I'll say "Someone died and I got inheritance"
I don't want people to know where the money comes from as people treat me differently when they know I was so severly injured as a child that compensation pays for everything.

I can't wait to get my car

High

When your close to tears remember
Someday this will all be over
One day were gonna get so high

Don't you think its time we started
Doing what we always wanted
One day were gonna get so high

Ok so I'm confused ab0out everything and I feel like shit so I'm going to think of my options:
1. Try harder with recovery
2. Go back to my old ways
3. Become morbidly obese and eat myself to death
4. Just go with the flow

I could also just get drunk and take drugs all the time to numb all of lifes pains

I know one thing, if mum hadn't 'safe proofed' my room by taking all my drugs, I would be taking laxatives tonight without a doubt

xxx

Untitled

Bella- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ITS WEIRD!!!

Sarah- Thank you so much xxx

I'm at my house with my Mum, Connor, Laura and Gary. I would rather be alone, assessing my life. I would like to decide whether what I'm doing is right, if its what I want to do.

mum just called me for dinner, fuck, more food

Hello World

Comment Replies

Eibbroc- Thanks, I appreciate it xxx

Bella- Don't worry to much or you will age prematurly and I wont' hang out with you hahahahaha love you

Sarah- I'll try xxx

Just an update, I am feeling better, thanks for the concern everyone.
I went to hospital and had a 4 hour intense session. It was crazy!
Then I went and had a meeting at school which went really well so I feel as though things will get better soon.
I'm almost finished my major work which is due on Monday so thats good too.
Overall I'm confident I'll get through the HSC
I hope this feeling lasts

Good Morning

I have been up most of the night doing nothing but unable to sleep.

I cut myself last night for the first time in 3 years.

I took all the laxatives I could.

I cried and I cried and I cried.

Mum looked at me and cried.

I hate myself

Mum is taking me to hospital today.

Last time this happened they took all sharp objects off me and someone watched me 24/7, including in the shower.

Whats happening to me?

Fucking Kangaroo

Hello all,

So, last night I was driving myself and a friend from work home from Sydney and out of nowhere, this MASSIVE mother fucking kangaroo jumps out in front of us. For those of you who are not Australian, kangaroos are these fucking annoying animals that jump around everywhere and tourists seem to love them. In the country they are everywhere.

So anyway this roo jumps out in front of us and it must have been about 100kgs and 2m tall. It dented my car so badly it can't be driven, smashed the lights, broke something under the car and some other damage. My car is in the smash repairs now.

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!

This means no going anywhere, no social life, pretty much sitting on a bus.

Also, my birthday is in two weeks and birthday money has now become car money, so no birthday party for me.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

Off to Sydney

comment replies

pixiestix_014- I always wanted a big brother but now I appreciate my sister more. Its good your sis understands. Does your brother know?

Bella- My little Lissy, I wouldn't be surprised if half the things I've given you were once hers hahaha. Oh I remember that lip gloss, you could never open it and it smelled funny

I took LIDA for the first time today, I'm not sure if it works yet but I hope it does. I want to be skinny skinny!! lalalala

I keep on fucking up like everyday with my new healthy eating plan so I really have to try harder. Or I could just stop trying? I don't know.

I'm heading off to Sydney in 25 mins so I should really finish packing.

I will write more at some point as this has been a pretty sad post.

xxx

My sister

Comment reply

pixiestix_014- I'm glad your ok, Tyler sounds lovely. Yes Connor is the most amazing person and he's fun! I will write about my sister in this blog. Thanks for commenting xxx

Rifgt now I'm at work, yes, I should be working. But I can't be bothered. I thought today I would tell you all about my sister.
Her name is Laura and she is 21 years old. She is my best friend and I love her so much. She is quite a large girl which makes it hard for me when I go and stay there. She tells me I'm stupid when I don't eat and says all my diets are crazy. She's right. I think when I go and stay with her this weekend I will tell her about my ed so she can quit being a bitch. It will probably make her more of a bitch though haha.
I always steal my sisters clothes, makeup, hair stuff, clips and much much more. She gets shitty at me for stealing all her stuff but thats what little sisters are for!!
Laura is 3 years older then me and I love being the younger sister.

I should probably do some work now, I'll write more later

xxx

A happy post

pixiestix_014 you have made me want to post a happy message because yes, I do have people I can talk to. I have a beautiful best friend Elissa and a wonderful boyfriend Connor. Thank you for helping me remember this. Also, I don't see myself as strong, but thank you anyway

xxx

All of my posts lately have been sad so here is a happy one. I have the most amazing boyfriend I could possibly ask for, he is funny, nice, caring, good looking and loving. He is always there for me and I can turn to him for anything.

To often I push him away, tell him to go away, be mean to him. No matter what, he forgives me, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop him from loving me =]

This weekend I'm going to stay with my lovely sister Laura and her roomate Cara. I always have so much fun with those two, they are two wonderful girls.

I have so much good things in my life, that I know I take for granted

xxx

Can't Sleep

Comment replies

Ava-Rose- Your right, it's my life, I'm to young to be plagued by a disease that takes over my life. Hahaha thank you very much for offering to cry with me but I don't want you to, I want you to be happy and full of life. I want that for myself as well, one day, it will happen

Sarah- Thank you very much lovely, it means a lot

I can't sleep. It's 11:04pm. I can't stop thinking about the choices I have made.

I feel like I'm infectious, that I shouldn't associate with others or they will catch my disease. I'm crazy

I feel like I shouldn't eat tomorrow, but I want to get better. Do I? Or have people just told me its whats best? Is it me who is choosing to get better or is it being forced upon me?

FUCK

This is pretty much dedicated to

Ava-Rose,

as all I really have to write is a reply to you, you seem like a beautiful person who I would like to get to know. You have been encouraging to me and I appreciate it a lot. I will keep trying to be better even though its so fucking hard and right now I'm hating myself even more, but it will get better.

Ok I guess I do have something else to write. As I am sitting here writing this, I am crying, how sad, sitting here, blogging and crying.

I'm such a fool

I wish I had more friends

I wish I was different

I wish I was normal

The things I hate

about having an eating disorder

I thought I would write this list to help me see that recovery will be good for me, so here goes

- Having an ed has made me so lonely

- I can't go out with friends because I'm scared there will be food involved

- Hating myself for everything

- Pains in my stomach, head, everywhere

- Bruising so easily

- Lying to everyone

- Being obsessed with food

- Constantly thinking about what I've eaten, what I'm going to eat, what I shouldn't eat etc

- Having no energy to live

Fuck, I don't know what to do with myself

enough is enough... or is it?

Comment reply-

Ava-Rose- yes I told my doctor everything, I'm not going to lie to someone who is trying to help me. In saying that, I also told him I don't want to get better. Yes its good I'm finally seeing someone, its been to long. Thanks for the comment xxx

On the weekend, I decided, I have had enough. After 4 years of disordered eating, lies, binges, purging and self loathing, its time to give this whole recovery thing a try.

So I go out and I buy a nice journal for me to keep track of my eating and exercise. I figured out a plan of action and wrote it all in my pretty little book.

You might be thinking "oh, good for her! She's going to get her life on track!", well, you'd be wrong.

Trying to be better has just reinforced in my mind that I am a complete and utter fuck up.

I started off today thinking I would have a 'normal' breakfast, and I overate.

Then I thought I would have a nice healthy morning tea, and I overate.

Then came lunch time, when I didn't eat at all.

Then afternoon and what do you know? I overate again.

Now I'm sitting here thinking, well, I obviously need help.

I will tell the specialist about my failed attempt and see what he has to say.

On a lighter note, I sent in my first application for uni today =]

wish me luck!!!!

I'll write again soon

xx