So so sorry

I haven't posted in ages, I'm not dead! I have been very very depressed and feeling ill everyday, I haven't been to work in two weeks. On monday I am being admitted into a specialist phyciatric hospital. I don't know how long I'll be in there for but I hope it helps me. I'm sick of being sad all the time. I don't think my medication is working anymore because I have been severely depressed for over a month so hopefully I will get some help. I'm hoping it will be ok, they have yoga classes and a tennis court although I won't have anyone to play with. I'm not sure if there will be people my age there but there might be in the eating disorder unit.

I have been limiting my carb intake to 20g a day which is like nothing. I could have 10 grapes and all my carbs would be gone. Its ok though because it has sort of made me lose my appetite. I miss pasta and bread sometimes but I know I will hate myself if I give in. I hope when I go to hospital I can keep up with the low carbs. I haven't been feeling hungry except when I first wake up, its weird like I wake up with really sharp stomach pains and I feel starving but within an hour or so of just laying in bed it goes away and I don't feel hungry anymore. I haven't been counting cals but I know I'm not having much seeing as most things I used to eat have carbs. I'm mostly eating salad, chicken and fish and these protien bars.

I want to start these boot camp things, they run for 6 weeks and there are 2 sessions a week. I think it would kick my butt into gear to really start working out. It works out as like $16 per session which is so good but its $200 all together and you have to pay up front. So I would have to wait til I'm back at work or something. I want to do pilates classes too, I love pilates its such a good work out, my muscles hurt for like a week after it.

We have guests over at the moment and we just had dinner, I managed to avoid carbs which is suprising and amazing but I had a piece of steak and a little bit of lamb. I made a banana bread for everyone earlier today which I'm not having any of. Oh yeah I should probs mention that I'm visiting my parents at the moment, it would seem a little weird for me to be doing all this stuff if I were at my house haha. And I wouldn't have any issues with people watching me eat.

Anyway I am being terribly rude to our guests which no doubt mother dearest will point out to me so I best be off. I don't know when I will post next as I will be in hospital but I will try and keep you guys updated. Oh yeah welcome new followers =)

love you guys xxx

Just when I get so lonesome I can't speak

I've decided that I'm just not going to eat. Thats it. Such an easy choice to make. My boyfriend tried to take me shopping today, to buy me some nice new clothes. So we looked in heaps of shops and I found heaps of things I liked, tops, dresses, skirts and I would be holding them ready to purchase them, then I would start to think about how disgusting I would look in them so I would put them back. In the end Jonno said that we weren't going to leave until I choose some clothes. So I got 2 cute dresses and a T-shirt which I will wear when I'm thin. I said to him that I'm not going to wear them till I'm thin and he just said or you could wear them now. He is very patient with me considering what I put him through hahaha.

I feel depressed all the time and I don't know what to do. Just so depressed all the time.

You know we're in high demand Laura us, people who suffer, coz we don't take to arguing, and we're quick to surrender

You should never be embarrased by, your trouble with living, coz its the ones with the sorest throats Laura who, have done the most singing

Don't read this

Today has been bad. I was sick so I stayed home from work. I have been very sore, my body aches, my head is killing. I feel very depressed. I can't stop thinking about hurting myself. If I only had a gun. I need help, I know that but I don't want it. I need to go back to hospital but then I will eat. I want help for my depression but not for my ed, it wish that were possible, they go hand in hand. Have you ever heard of a happy person with an ed?

I haven't recieved an email or text in ages, however stupid this sounds that makes me feel so shit. No one is thinking about me, or bothering to reply to me. I feel so desperate, I wouldn't want to be friends with me either. No one cares about me, not really, I have no real friends, all I have is Jonno and he doesn't know how to be there for me. I wish he could. I wish he could give me the support I need. I can't look after myself.

I hope no one reads this, I sound like the biggest loser ever. I sound like I'm just filled with self pity, which may be true but who cares? Who really gives a fuck if I feel sorry for myself? No one. If I knew someone who was just like me, I would feel sorry for them.

everysinglething

All day today I have felt like a crazy person, I can't stop fidgeting, theres no way I can sit still. I feel so so jittery. I haven't had any coke zero or pepsi max today so that could be why. I am probs having withdrawl symptoms. Even now I am shaking my leg around and clenching my jaw. I'm biting my cheeks and flexing my muscles. Every 30 seconds I check my email or my phone even though I know there will be nothing. Sighhhhh
I started my liquid fast again today, I have had a milkshake, some milo, and 2 diet ginger beers. I'm still at work and I have nothing to do (well theres heaps to do but I don't want to) so I keep thinking about food. Its not so much that I want to eat, I'm just bored and theres not much I can do here. My boyfriend is coming over tonight, I'm not sure if I will have to eat.
I have been very headachy today, again its probs the lack of pepsi and coke. And I'm exhausted.
I don't really have anything interesting to say. I wish I lived with a friend.
Here is a quote I love from the book Wintergirls

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, “a disappointment.” Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it’s too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can’t stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
“Why?” is the wrong question.
Ask “Why not?”

Get your freak on

I sometimes make myself feel sick on purpose, like I know that milky drinks make me feel ill, so sometimes I drink them to make myself feel sick. Its weird. Sometimes when I'm really hungry I will drink a milky drink so I feel sick instead of hungry.

Its cool if you keep quiet but, I like singing

I had a big weekend at Lissa's, it was very funnnn! Here are some pics:

FUCK

I FUCKED MY FAST!
My friend is over and we are eating. I had an ice block.
We are going out for dinner.
FUCK

Day three

Hello everyone,

Its day three of the fast and things are going well. I haven't eaten but I drank an iced choc which was a little naughty hehe. But oh well I didn't eat.

My friend is coming over tonight so I hope I don't have to eat.

I have entered a comp with Mum, Gary and I, whoever loses 10kgs by April gets $500 and the loser has to pay it! I feel that I will soon be $500 richer. It started 3 days ago and I already lost 3kgs =)

Good morning

Restriction- Milo is a drink, you just add it to milk, its high in iron, vitamin B1 and C, and its addictive haha, its supposed to give you energy.

Hmm thats really all I have to say, I'm not hungry yet but I only just woke up, I have to get ready for work. I wish I didn't have to go. I would rather sleeeeeeeeep

Day two

Hello ladies and gentlemen,
How are you all?
Well day two went well, no food entered my mouth so thats good. I felt ok, there were times I felt really really hungry but apart from that I felt fine. I didn't record cals today but I am allowing myself to have any liquid so I can ease into the fast better. So today I had:
- Milo
- Orange juice
- Apple juice
- Milkshake
- Pepsi max
- water
I think thats it, my boyfriend is coming over soon but I think I can get away with just having soup. I am going to have some coffee soon or a milo.
I want to email someone for support, encouragement and just to chat. If anyone would like to email me I would really appreciate it. My email is bethany_richards@live.com

Distraction pleaseeeeee

I need something to get my mind off food. Its this time when I'm most likely to binge, when I have been good all day, and when I'm so hungry. I had a bath, I soaked for ages. I read Wintergirls. I stalked some people on facebook. I texted my boyfriend. I listened to music. What else can I do? Why the fuck is there a box of lollies on my floor? Thats not going to help! I thought I shoved them under my bed, out of sight, out of mind. I have them so my boyfriend has some yummies when he it here so I don't want to throw them out. Oh well, I just won't eat them. I feel so ill, I got my period today, my period always makes me feel so shit. I get bad pains, moody and headaches. It used to have no effect on me, my period used to come and go with no trouble now it is such a fucking pain. Laura Laurent just came on my laptop, oh how I adore this song. Does anyone have ed related tattoos? I do, as you probably know if you read my blog. Oh yeah I decided that I'm not going to weigh myself until I finish my fast, I don't know if I'll stick to that, I might not be able to help myself, but I'll try. Fuck my tummy hurts.

Day one

Ok day one of my fast went well, I didn't put any evil food into my fatty mouth. Heres what I had:
Apple, mango and banana juice- 1042kjs (248cals)
Orange juice- 1068 (254cals)
Pepsi max- 15kjs (3cals)
Soup- 188kjs (44cals)
Skim latte- 170kjs (40cals)

I haven't had the coffee yet but I made it, I'm just waiting for it to cool down.

Today felt like it went forever, it just went so slowly. Every time I looked at the clock it had only been like 2 minutes. And it seemed like food was everywhere. Because I work in a touristy location the streets are lined with cafes so as soon as I stepped out onto the street all I could smell were pancakes with syrup, all I could see were peolpe eating. It was horrible. I kept myself busy on my lunch break so I wouldn't eat, I went and got my eyebrows tinted, went to the bathroom, then it was time to go back to work. It will be hard tonight because my housemates always cook food that smells so good. Last night it was a pasta dish (those that have been following for a while know that pasta is my weakness) and it smelled so dam good. Anyway everytime I wanted to eat today I just thought about how easy it is to say no, and I did. I might have another latte later or some tea, maybe even another soup. Its definatley easier not to eat on days I work coz I'm there for 8 hours, when I'm home I get bored and eat. Anyway my latte will be at perfect drinking tempurature now, if anyone has any advice to keep me busy while I'm at home or any other words of wisdom, let me know =)
byeee
x

Fast time

Tomorrow is day one of my fast, it goes like this:
Day one- day five= liquid fast (juices, soup etc)
Day six & seven= 0 cal fast (water, coke zero)
Day eight & nine= fruit and veg fast

I am sick of being a fat whale. I feel like I can't even wear my clothes anymore. I don't want to go out in public. I am ashamed of how I look. How fat I've gotten.

I'm going to try drink as much water as possible from now on.

Anyone else fasting at the moment?

Laura Laurent

You should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living, coz its the ones with the sorest throats Laura who, have done the most singing

Oh how she would worry so, you know I was just a stranger, but she asked me to care for you, yes she did, and I went and betrayed her

And you know we're in high demand Laura, people who suffer, because we don't take to arguing and we're quick to surrender

I think I would call tonight, if I still had your number

How their eyes seemed to follow you like a hated addiction, their beauty carved out of absolutes that you could never claim , or even envision

Laura, you were the saddest song, in the shape of a woman, yeah, I thought you were beautiful, but I wept with your movements

Your thoughts have always lain close to mine, yeah, we were both skipping supper

Anyone who can appreciate amazing music, please listen to Laura Laurent by Bright Eyes. It could possibly be the most beautiful song I've ever heard.

The new year

Its already 2nd of Jan so this is a little late but whatever haha

I decided I would make some new year resolutions but as I started to think about it I realised theres no way I could, I mean do I make resolutions to get better, to try and be healthy and happy? Or do I make resolutions to lose more weight, to exercise more?

I feel very torn, I want to never eat again but I know I'm a failure and would just eat, but if I try and be healthy and eat anyway I still feel like shit.

I don't know what to do