It's been a while...

So I haven't posted on here in a long time but I think I would like to start again. So now I live with my boyfriend Andrew and 3 other house mates. It's ok but I don't really like the people we live with. I get to be with my boyfriens all the time though so its good.
Today I started lite 'n' easy which is a diet program where you get all the food you will eat delivered to you weekly. The food is pretty good so far, tasty. I also got a gym membership and have my first personal training session on monday.
I am very very overweight at the moment, to think that I used to be thin 2 years ago is very depressing to me. I want to be thin again so badly.
So much has been happening in my life latley I would like to go to sleep for a few weeks until I'm refreshed haha.
Sighh I'm so tired

you are a cinema

i could watch you forever

recently

I am huge

I am depressed

I am disgusting

I am lonley

I am stupid

I am just so so so sad

I don't know what to do, I just don't know

I feel like hurting myself

butterfly

I act like shit don't faze me, inside it drives me crazy, my insecurities could eat me alive

feather

There is this guy who I have sex with, we are kind of seeing each other I guess. I asked him who he thinks is amazingly sexly (celebrity wise) and he named all these celebrities that have amazing bodies. I want him to think I am sexy like that. He names a dancer who has an ugly face and I said that and he said he agrees but when she dances she just looks so sexy it makes up for it.

I want guys to think I am sexy, guys might think I am pretty, but not sexy.

so lost

Mums partner told me I can get a job or leave. I am definatly not welcome here. I wish so much I had somewhere else to go. He knows I had a trial at a resteraunt last weekend but he still says that. Then when I went to my room crying I heard him yell at Mum that me living here isn't working out.
They act like I am 30 years old and still living at home, no I am 18 years old, most 18 year olds live with their parents.
I don't know what to do

same same different different

Things are still the same, I am still fat, depressed, a loser.

I went out last night and I was the fattest girl in the group, I felt really bad. Especially coz the girls I was with were very very hot, one of them won sexiest girl in the club.

I need to lose weight so I can party with the girls without feeling bad about myself.

meow

ednos Linny: I was always like that at my old work, there were biscuits in the staff room that were always on my mind, usually I would give in ... ha

I don't really have anything to post right now, I am sitting here watching channel [v] and the Australian countdown is on, its pretty good.

Anyway I will eat some carrot later, and a meal replacement shake.

Kbyee

hmmm

Since I dropped out of uni (did I tell you guys I dropped out? anyway I did) I have been sitting alone at home being bored and depressed, I need something to do. I had a job interview yesterday for a hostess at a resturaunt so hopefully I will get that but thats still only at nights. I need something to do in the day so I don't just sit here and get fat. Maybe I should go back to the gym, but I just have no motivation. I can't bring myself to get up off my fat ass and get to the gym. If anyone has any tips on what motivates them to exercise I would love to hear it.

I ate 3 chocolate muffins and a piece of shortbread today, why? Because I am sitting here doing nothing and when I have nothing to do I eat. Or cry. Either way.

Now my belly is mad at me

Bet you don't think I can make it, but my mind and body are strong

some blonde thinspo =)

cold

its freezing here, we are getting our kitchen renovated so the gas is turned off which means no heating.
I am determined to lose weight now, to become so thin people will worry.
Sigh I hate myself.
My blog could possibly be the most boring thing in the world, more boring then reading about politics.
I spent the last 2 days high and I would like to be high again but its a bit sad to do it alone...

Everything that happens supposed to be, and its all predetermined can't change your destiny, I guess I'll just keep going someday maybe, I'll get to where I'm going

fuck

im fat and disgusting and deserve to die

had me at hello

Hey gang,
I ate more then usual today:
breakfast - meal replacement shake, salad
Lunch- chicken salad, penne salad and a pretzel(!?!?)
Dinner- nothing yet but I might have another shake
Total cals- 1337

Its more then I would like but oh well, tomorrow will be better.

I have started making thinspo's you can go check them out heres one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmlzuvoYYJI
and then just go to my page if you wanna see the rest =)

Hope you are all well

I am back

I left blogger because I thought it would be healthier for me not to be on here but I missed it to much and I need a place to write about crap that no one cares about =)

So The past 2 weeks or so I have stayed around 600cals a day which for me is good as I haven't had any stuff ups, except I drank alcohol on one of the days.. oops. Anyway apart from that I have been good. I lost 3kgs last week so I am happy about that.

I broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago and moved out of his house last week. It really sucks as I am back with my parents now and its very annoying. At least they don't force me to eat anymore and I convinced mum to give me my scales back. My parents house is also 2 hours from uni so I have to travel heaps everyday.

I think I want to quit uni and study fitness instead and become a personal trainer and fitness instructor. I am thinking about that.

Its so cold here I pretty much stay in bed where its warm. I don't want to go outside today and I probably won't today unless I decide to walk to the shops and get a coke zero. Hmmm maybe I will do that.

Anyway I hope you are all well

xxxx

Hey guys

Hello everyone, I haven't posted in so long and for that I am sorry.

I have been quite depressed lately but my boyfriend has been helping me through it. I am moving in with him and his family tomorrow as its heaps closer to uni for me.

I went out for dinner tonight with my parents and now I feel sick. Ew.

I am fatter then ever, yes I am officially up to my highest weight ever.

Has anyone seen Pirates of the Carribian 4? I saw it today its really good, the mermaids are amazing thinspo, they are just so beautiful.

Hate on me hater

Lalalalala

It is 2:07am and sleep evades me, I tried to go to sleep at 11pm but couldn't. My tummy hurts, I am hungry. But I don't need food hehehehehehehe

I am getting to the overtired stage but I can't sleep, I don't want to sleep. The nightmares, they're to much.

They have come back again. They are usualy slightly different but always the same theme. Its always people being really grusomley murdered in front of me, they are usually raped first too.
The other day it was a bunch of children being killed. They are truely horrible.

The therapist thinks its my brain replaying what has happened to me in the past like sort of reliving it but in different ways. When I was little my sister died in front of me, I'd say it was pretty damn gruesome too but I suppose I have blocked it out as I can't remember it. But its still in my head so I dream about it.

Once I dreamed I was running down the street where the house I grew up in is and I get to the end of the street and theres this brown sack and inside is my sisters body. I hate that one.

fast, followers and love songs

I lost a follower
Thats ok because I haven't been posting very interesting stuff

I was litening to love song dedications and I started crying... wtf! crying to love songs fml

Yesterday I started a fruit and veg fast, day one went well but today we had visitors for lunch so I had a chicken salad wrap and some tim tams. Oh well I will start again tomorrow, yay...Anyway I have to lose heaps of weight as I have confided in a few more friends about my ed then immediatly regretted it as now they are going to be like wtf shes not thin. So now I must lose lose lose.

I want a nice stomach, nice legs, a nice ass, well nice everything. Nice and thin.

.

I am fat
I am ugly
I am stupid
I am an idiot
I am fat
I am fat
I am fat
I am obese
I am huge
I am disgusting

I can't stop eating, eating, eating. All day, everyday. Eat, eat, eat.

I don't know how to stop.

Things are really really bad

I have been binging pretty much everyday, and staying in bed all day, all night. I am so depressed and fat and stupid and DUMB.

Today I had 2x grilled cheese and tomato sauce sandwich, hot chips with chicken salt and gravy, chocolate and I made chocolate dipped strawberries for my bf so I will probs have some of those later and I have to have dinner.

Most days have been like this, I don't know whats wrong with me but I can't seem to snap out of this cycle. I don't know what to do I am just getting fatter and fatter.

I left the house for the first time in a while today, it was ok, good to get out of the house I suppose. God I am sad.

Hope your all well
xxx

30 Day Challenge

Ok I am going to do part of my own version of the 30 day challenge.I have nothing to do so I am going to do this.

A picture of yourself with ten facts:

Facts:

1. I am a Leo

2. I have a brain injury

3. I am addicted to coke zero

4. I study business

5. I have a sister Laura 6. I have a half sister Peta

7. I love disposable cameras

8. I am obsessed with the Sims and Cooking Mama

9. I have anxiety and depression

10. I am turning 19

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest:

My sister Laura and I <3

A picture of the cast from your favorite show

A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Miley Cyrus fo shizzzz

A picture that makes you laugh

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Ninaaa <3

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

My boyfriend (my face looks so fat in this)

A picture of your favorite band or artist

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

My mother

Nostalgia

Its sad when people you know become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and now you can barely even look at them, how the millions of memories have become nothing but faded thoughts, its sad how one day you just wake up and everything is different, things have changed and people have moved on...

Bowl of oranges

The rain it started tapping, on the window near my bed, there was a loop hole in my dreaming, so I got out of it, and to my suprise my eyes were wide and already open, just my night stand and my dresser, where the nightmares had just been, so I dressed myself and left them, out into the great streets, where evrything seemes different and completley new to me, the sky, the trees, houses, buildings even my own body, and each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet. And I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health, I said "theres nothing that I can do for you you can't do for yourself", he said "oh yes you can just hold my hand, I think that that would help" so I sat with him a while and I asked him how he felt, he said "I think I'm cured, in fact I'm sure of it, thank you stranger, for your theraputic smile" So thats how I learned the lesson, that everyones alone, and your eyes must do some raining, if your ever gonna grow, but when crying don't help can't compose yourself, its best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing, or a simple song of hope, thats why I'm singing baby don't worry, coz now I got your back, and everytime you feel like crying, I will try and make you laugh, and if I can't if it just hurts to bad, then we'll wait for it to pass, and I will keep you company, for those days so long and black, and we'll keep working on the problem, we know we'll never solve, and loves uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole, but if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty and, we'd stand staring in awe, at our still lives pose, like a bowl of oranges, like the story told by the fault lines and the soil

I stood nervous next to you in the dark room

I ate so much today. I hate myself

Today's intake plan

Breakfast
2 boiled eggs- 178cals

Snack
Tea- 0cals

Lunch
Lite tuna salad- 71cals

Snack
Apple- 73cals

Dinner
Whatever is served (can't wait to move out) - guessing about 360 if I only eat a bit

Total- 682cals

New meal plan

Hello=)

I have made a new meal plan which I hope to start on Monday (when I have recovered from my operation and can actually chew). No day goes over 650cals so hopefully I can stick to it. Netball starts this Saturday. FML. I really don't want to be jumping around in a little skirt with my huge thighs on show. Oh well I guess it will be more motivation for me.

I had a job interview today at a store as in an administration position. I hope I get it. I don't know if I will as she asked a lot of questions that I don't think I answered very well. I find out next week, so far away to wait for this news!!!

Anyway today I ate like a bitch. Sighhhhh

Beth

xx

Tumblr

Does anyone on here have one? If so can you please explain it? Its complicated, can you comment on other peoples posts? Also where do the posts come up?

Food, too much of it

Ok I had:
- Watermelon and icecream
- Spaghetti bolognaise
- Hundreds and thousands biscuits
- Tina wafers

And I have a pack of giant chocolate buttons and another pack of caramel ones. Maybe I won't eat them...

I have a headache

Viva la vent

I have no one to talk to, hang out with, just chill with, go out with, party with. I have no one to do anything with. I need to make friends. Seriously I haven't been out in so long, I have gone to bed at like 10 every Friday and Saturday night. I am such a loser.

How do you make friends when you don't go to school, you have no job, and no hobbies? That rules out school friends, work friends and club friends. What other friends are there?

My boyfriend knows I am upset about this lack of friends situation so he says he will take me out for some drinks on Saturday night. Knowing him he it will get to Saturday and he will say he doesn't feel like it, but at least I have something I can pretend to look forward too.

Just entertaining myself with thinspo =)

Wisdom

I got my wisdom teeth out, I am in so much fucking pain its unbelievable. My pain meds aren't strong enough at all. Mum won't give me more coz she thinks its dangerous to go over the recommended dosage... which is 3 in 24 hours. 3!! Why bother taking them!

Anyway last night I went to bed at 8pm and woke up at: 10:30pm, 11:20pm, 2:30am, 4:30am and 6:30am. Worst night sleep. Each time I woke up I was soaked in sweat, weidest thing as its cold here. I wasn't hot, I am wondering if it is a side effect of the drugs. Mum says its from worrying and it happens to her somtimes.

I think I am going to have to steal the pain meds from Mums room. I have some other meds in here but I don't know if I should mix them. I am pretty sure its the same drug just a weaker one, but I don't have the packet so I can't double check.

The stitches in my mouth are stabbing me. Fml

Fatty needs to distract herself

Just remember the 4 D’s:

* Distance yourself from food.

* Distract yourself.

* Delay eating.

* Decide what your goals really are.


I have already had 1140cals and its on 11:16am.
I have to go gym soon.
I found a note in the back of my thinspo book that my ex connor wrote me when we were still going out. It said 'Beth is very pretty the way she is and thats why I love you baby, your very beautiful. I love you forrever <3 Connor. Will you stay with me forever and look after me when I'm old and sick? I want to ride nanny scooters with you when were 96 years old'
Now I can't stop crying, I am in hysterics.

I'm beautiful in my way

Fuck everything

The happiest post

I don't know if this is the happiest post I have written as I cannot remember but it must be top 3!! This is the first time in so so long that I have felt like I really want to do something. I have a goal that I see as achievable with a lot of hard work. So are you ready, I want to study at the Australian Institute of Fitness. I want to be a personal trainer and a group exercise instructor!

It feels so good to finally want something, to actually work towards something. I have been so depressed for so long that I couldn't imagine wanting to do anything again. I genuinely wanted to stay in bed all day. Then I discovered exercise. Of course I have done exercise for years, but never like this, never actually being healthy and realistic about it. I worked so hard today as now I have the idea about being a trainer I want to make it happen so much.

On a less happy note, today I ate a block of chocolate... So I went to the gym twice, all up I worked out for about 2 and a half hours today but that chocolate is so evil! DIE CHOCOLATE DIE!!!

I hope you are all well

m

I had an omlette for breakfast, but this time Mum made it and she put extra ingredients in, including milk!!! Oh well it was skim.
I just finished mowing the lawn which is good exercise! Its so tiring haha. It is exhausting pushing that big machine all around the yard.
I am thinking about going and getting my nails done today. I haven't had them in a while and I miss it. Plus my nails look like shit.
I feel fat. I am fat.
Sighhhhhhh

Heartbeat

Tonight is Mardi Gras here in Sydney. I had plans to go until about an hour ago when I suddenly didn't want to. I don't know why really. I told my friends its coz I have no money. Some guy on the radio said that each alocoholic beverage you drink is like eating a chocolate bar so I guess its good I'm not going. I knew alcohol had heaps of cals but hearing that really put it into perspective.
Jonno and I went to the gym today, I don't like going with him. All he wants to do is slack off, like he doesn't want to actually exercise. Anyway I only ended up doing 10 mins on the bike, then about half an hour of weights. Then afterwards we played on the basketball courts for another hour so all up I got an ok workout I guess.
I can't even remember what I ate today. I think cereal, a mini pizza, half a choc crossiant and Mum just gave me some cake (ginger and carrot, no sugar) and icecream. I know I know thats so much food and I am a big fatty. Oh I just remember I had some fruit too.
I hope you all have a better saturday night then me. I will be soaking in a bath, then sleeping, what a riot.

3 minutes

I am leaving for the gym in 3 minutes, I don't have my shoes and socks on yet so it might be more like 10 minutes after I write this. I really don't feel like going today. I would love to just stay in bed. 2 minutes til I should leave. Oh well I was 15 mins early yesterday, I guess it won't matter if I am a little late.
I don't know if I will go to training tonight, Jonno is coming over and I feel embarrassed as I'm so unfit. I would much rather get more fit at the gym and then go to training so I can conquer the exercises like the other skinny bitch girls do. Ok I should be leaving now. I don't even know where my shoes are. Hmmm... they might be under my bed.
I had an omlette this morning for breakfast. It was yum. Ok now I am just procrastinating hahaha. I am going now.
Bye guysss

It's an addiction

Hello gang,
Today I went to the gym at lunch time instead of in the morning. I liked it more as I got to sleep in and therefore ate less in the day. I am supposed to go to Zumba tomorrow but I don't think I will. I will still go to the gym but I don't feel like Zumba as I also have training tomorrow night. I overate today but I am trying not to worry to much about it. Mum told me today she was reading this science thing and it said the best way to gain muscle is to drink a glass of skim milk right after a workout and then another glass an hour later. It seems a little random haha. I also heard that you should eat a banana after a workout, I would rather do that then drink skim milk so I might do that.
Now I am going to play Sims for a bit (haha), then read, then go to bed. Hope you are all staying safe and lovely.
xx

Skinny time