To all your beautiful comments-
Summer Rose- Thank you! I love when people recommend something they think is beautiful. I love Adele!
Eloise18- Well actually what happened was, I knew if i didn't do something I would sit there and cut all night so I went and told my mum. She cleaned it and dressed it for me. Then she spent the whole night crying. What a pleasant daughter she has. Thanks for caring though xx
Konrad- Hello there! Yes I do believe they will scar as they are quite deep. I was actually wondering why you follow my blog? I have only had a quick chance to check out your blog but I didn't notice anything about eating disorders? Anyway thanks for your concern. P.s the pic on your blog is so cute!
BellaAna- Thanks for the kind words. I have had an eating disorder for about 6 years now and I must say it hasn't always been like this. There have been times when I was surrounded by friends and people who love me so I just have to keep reminding myself that this friendless me is only temporary. That soon I will be back with my friends.
Pixiestix_014- You are so fucking beautiful I would like to make love to you (HAHA), no but really, you always say the right thing and you always make me laugh. I wish we were friends in the real world. P.s Dean is a little sexyyyy heheheeh
Sarah- Maybe we can be lesbian hermits together? hahahaha
Acka11- Things for next year are starting to look up so hopefully things will get better. Keeping busy is the best advice I've ever recieved and I would recommend it to anyone!
Goal_Thin- I admire your optimism and I agree, life should be viewed as an adventure, with ups and downs. Thank you
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Time
I get lost in the beauty, of everything I see, the world ain't half as bad, as they paint it to be
I am feeling very regretful for cutting so much last night, today I could hardly walk it hurt so much. And I had to work. Everytime I move it hurts so much. Thats not why I regret it though. Its because I'm hanging out with Dean tomorrow and I don't want to have to explain. Also I don't want to have them showing while I'm at the beach next week.
You should all listen to Homesick by Thirsty Merc, its so beautiful. I used to listen to it when I was at boarding school and just cry. Sometimes I wish so so much that I was back at the boarding house, like I could go back to that time. Sigh
Today was the first time in quite a while that I ate normal food. I had a salad sandwich and a choc brownie slice. It was nice. I bet mum will make me eat again later.
Shimmer
Hello family!
Welcome new followers!
Ok just a quick update as I should be getting ready for work. Last night I cut myself so badly, blood everywhere. Anyway now I've realised what a FUCKING IDIOT I am as I have a beach holiday in a week. Yep, everyone at the beach seeing my fucked up legs. At least the girl I'm going with knows about everything, that could be a little awkward otherwise. I don't know what I'll say to Dean if we start getting a little hot n heavy and he sees it. Maybe a fox trap fell on me?
haha
ok love you all
xxx
Welcome new followers!
Ok just a quick update as I should be getting ready for work. Last night I cut myself so badly, blood everywhere. Anyway now I've realised what a FUCKING IDIOT I am as I have a beach holiday in a week. Yep, everyone at the beach seeing my fucked up legs. At least the girl I'm going with knows about everything, that could be a little awkward otherwise. I don't know what I'll say to Dean if we start getting a little hot n heavy and he sees it. Maybe a fox trap fell on me?
haha
ok love you all
xxx
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Recover? Not yet
I don't want to recover, I hate myself too much.
Of course I still have to attend recovery but oh well.
I tell the doc straight out when I'm like this, which is most of the time.
It's very rare that I think I would like to recover.
Without my ed, I wouldn't be anything, anyone.
I wouldn't have a personality.
I'm starting to realise the impacts of my ed that are not the obvious ones (e.g. tired, sore etc) and I thought I'd write them:
- I have no friends. I'm too disgusted with myself to go out.
- I was to busy thinking about my ed to concentrate at school. Now I won't be going to uni.
- I'm not that close with Laura anymore. She hates my behaviour so much is practically all we talk about. We fight about it. Shes my sister so we'll be ok, but I hate it.
Todays intake
2x rice paper rolls 670kjs (160cals)
fruit salad 500kjs (119cals)
Total= 1170kjs (279cals)
Of course I still have to attend recovery but oh well.
I tell the doc straight out when I'm like this, which is most of the time.
It's very rare that I think I would like to recover.
Without my ed, I wouldn't be anything, anyone.
I wouldn't have a personality.
I'm starting to realise the impacts of my ed that are not the obvious ones (e.g. tired, sore etc) and I thought I'd write them:
- I have no friends. I'm too disgusted with myself to go out.
- I was to busy thinking about my ed to concentrate at school. Now I won't be going to uni.
- I'm not that close with Laura anymore. She hates my behaviour so much is practically all we talk about. We fight about it. Shes my sister so we'll be ok, but I hate it.
Todays intake
2x rice paper rolls 670kjs (160cals)
fruit salad 500kjs (119cals)
Total= 1170kjs (279cals)
Friday, September 24, 2010
hey
hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I've been so effing busy. Welcome new followers, Thanks for joining me on this bumpy ride.
So, in regards to my ed, I had to have firther tests today to check that I haven't fucked myself up to much. So I went before work today to get some blood tests done and I was shitting myself. I am so so bad with needles, even though I can get tats and peircings haha. Anyway they had to get like 10 tubes of blood coz they have so much to test for, yucky. It was ok, I just hate that it takes so long, like the needles is in your for ages. I felt really sick and dizzy after but I sat for a while and I was ok after some water.
I really want to see the results, I want to know what else could possibly be wrong with me. I hope if anything, its minor.
Today my boss came up to me and said I looked sad. She asked what was wrong. I said nothing. But she persisted and I ended up telling her about how I have no friends and no one to hang out with and about how lonely I am. She was so good about it. She told me about how she didn't have her first friend until she was 26 years old. Like she had aquantances but not a real friend. She said she was lonely too. I almost cried. I'm so so glad I didn't. Anyway she gave me a hug =] shes so nice.
I have to tell you guys something!!!!!!!
heheheheheheheheheeh
I had phone sex last night.
It. Was. So. Sexy.
Like really, I've been getting turned on all day just thinking about it!
I like this guy, his name is Dean.
Anyway I'm going to go catch up on your blogs now
xxx
So, in regards to my ed, I had to have firther tests today to check that I haven't fucked myself up to much. So I went before work today to get some blood tests done and I was shitting myself. I am so so bad with needles, even though I can get tats and peircings haha. Anyway they had to get like 10 tubes of blood coz they have so much to test for, yucky. It was ok, I just hate that it takes so long, like the needles is in your for ages. I felt really sick and dizzy after but I sat for a while and I was ok after some water.
I really want to see the results, I want to know what else could possibly be wrong with me. I hope if anything, its minor.
Today my boss came up to me and said I looked sad. She asked what was wrong. I said nothing. But she persisted and I ended up telling her about how I have no friends and no one to hang out with and about how lonely I am. She was so good about it. She told me about how she didn't have her first friend until she was 26 years old. Like she had aquantances but not a real friend. She said she was lonely too. I almost cried. I'm so so glad I didn't. Anyway she gave me a hug =] shes so nice.
I have to tell you guys something!!!!!!!
heheheheheheheheheeh
I had phone sex last night.
It. Was. So. Sexy.
Like really, I've been getting turned on all day just thinking about it!
I like this guy, his name is Dean.
Anyway I'm going to go catch up on your blogs now
xxx
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Skinny
I'm writing this to distract myself from writing crazy things to my friends. When I get in this mood I just want to talk to anyone and I end up sounding mad. I have this feeling, I don't no what it is. Its like a deep sadness, mixed with emptiness. I wish I could explain better. It hurts. I want to hurt, I want to feel pain. I hate myself.
I don't know what to do with myself. Like I finish school in a week, in two weeks I'll be unemployed, I have no plans for next year. I applied for one uni because I couldn't be bothered and I didn't get in. I'm not suprised seeing as I didn't even do the whole application.
Maybe I should start internet dating. Or become a lesbian? Even a hermit.
I don't know what to do with myself. Like I finish school in a week, in two weeks I'll be unemployed, I have no plans for next year. I applied for one uni because I couldn't be bothered and I didn't get in. I'm not suprised seeing as I didn't even do the whole application.
Maybe I should start internet dating. Or become a lesbian? Even a hermit.
I tried to tell my mama
Hello ladies and gentlemen,
Just a quick update. I feel like a crazy person. Like I feel so sad, so down. I don't know why. I think its the lonliness again. Do you ever hope that someone texts you so bad, you feel so desperate? Then you remember, you are desperate. Thats how I feel. I want to lay with someone, have someone hold me. I want to be kissed and hugged. To be loved.
Todays Food-
Muffin (friends birthday) 2500kjs
salad- 70kjs
you guys can work out the cals if you want
Just a quick update. I feel like a crazy person. Like I feel so sad, so down. I don't know why. I think its the lonliness again. Do you ever hope that someone texts you so bad, you feel so desperate? Then you remember, you are desperate. Thats how I feel. I want to lay with someone, have someone hold me. I want to be kissed and hugged. To be loved.
Todays Food-
Muffin (friends birthday) 2500kjs
salad- 70kjs
you guys can work out the cals if you want
Monday, September 20, 2010
HELP!!
I really need to learn how to hide my habbits better!! Mum just said what have you eaten today? And I couldn't think so there was this long pause then I starting naming foods I could remember from the fridge. She is watching me to closely, I don't like it.
As part of my recovery I was given a book to read, its called "Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating"
I would rather chew my arm off then read it, but I guess I will. Its about cognitive behavioral techniques if you guys no what that is. If you don't, I'm sorry but I really can't be bothered to explain it haha
I am hungry. Its weird. Although I have no desire to eat, I don't like it. Its probably because I forgot to take my Lida today. But I have been so so so hypo all day. Like so much. AHHH
Todays food-
Garden Salad 70kjs (16cal)
Strawberries 200kjs (47cals)
Total 270kjs (63cals)
Thats pretty good
As part of my recovery I was given a book to read, its called "Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating"
I would rather chew my arm off then read it, but I guess I will. Its about cognitive behavioral techniques if you guys no what that is. If you don't, I'm sorry but I really can't be bothered to explain it haha
I am hungry. Its weird. Although I have no desire to eat, I don't like it. Its probably because I forgot to take my Lida today. But I have been so so so hypo all day. Like so much. AHHH
Todays food-
Garden Salad 70kjs (16cal)
Strawberries 200kjs (47cals)
Total 270kjs (63cals)
Thats pretty good
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Weekend
I had a very crazy weekend, which I will tell you about now =]
If your bored of reading it I will hightlight the most exciting/interesting stuff and you can just read those.
Well coz Connor and I broke up, Laura wanted to cheer me up so she invited me down to hers for a girls weekend. Well when I got there we went shopping for outfits we would wear out and new make up and everything so it was going to be a full on fun weekend. Anyway, we started talking about where we were going to go out that night and she just kept on avoiding the question, like all day. So when we got home I was like, so where should we go tonight? I wanted to go clubbing or something like that. Anyway, we sit there for hours while she still avoids the question until finnaly I say "Laura, seriously, where are we going tonight?" and her reply was "ok, the thruth is, I'm disgusting and I shouldn't go out. I'm so fucking fat everyone stares at me. Everyone is so judgemental and they all think I'm so gross. I'm huge" she went on like that for quite a while. Anyway I said "you know you could do something about it". That certainly didn't help.
If I could pick one pet peeve, the one that annoys me most, it would definately be people who complain about being fat, but don't do anything about it. Fuck it annoys me.
So anyway, after ages of her moping around (keep in mind she is meant to be cheering me up) she finally decides she will venture out, to the RSL. For those that don't know, an RSL is a place for the elderly to go and sit around drinking and talking shit. But it was better then nothing so I was like ok. So we went and Cara who lives with Laura came too and we had a few drinks and gambled a bit. It got to 10pm and Laura wanted to go home.... Shes fucking 21 years old not an old women!!! So me being me I was like well I want to have fun so I'll come home later. So they left me there. Alone. In an RSL. I'm so good at being left alone places when I'm drunk. Anyway I had a few more drink, gambled a bit more, chatted to a few people etc. I met these people and this is where my night turns around. They were so fucking fun!!
There was a group of them but the main characters in this story are Christine and Adrian. They are a couple in there 30's who look in there 20's and she was beautiful. Anyway I got chatting to them and we all started dancing and it was so fun. By this time I was trashed! It got to 1am and we had to leave so we stumbled down to the curtesy bus to go to a pub. Out of all the pubs there are, Christine picks the one that she is banned from to go to. I later found out it was because she punched someone in the throught there hahaha. Anyway so we get in a fight with the security guard and everyone in the pub knew Christine and were yelling at the poor security guy to let us in, I felt sorry for him.
Anyway moving alone, there was this guy there called Liam and he was talking to Christine and Adrian kept trying to pull her away to leave coz the security was getting the shits. Anyway Liam jumps over the balcony of the pub and starts a punch up with Adrian! It was so crazy like 5 more guys jumped over the balcony to stop them and the sucurity guy came running over. Anyway we definalty had to go then.
Anyway we were walking away to go to Adrians house and he had the shits so bad, it was a little awkward for me but I got over it. We got to Adrians house and there were these three guys just sitting there getting stoned! hahahahah god it was funny! Anyway this is apparently pretty normal for them and thats all they ever do, which changes it from funny to really quite sad. Anyway we sat with them for a while then the Christine, Adrian and I went to the bedroom and what do you know? They want a threesome. I'm not going to lie, I wanted one too, anyway those two starting fighting again so it didn't happen. But we all slept in one bed and Adrian was in the middle and touched me all night like up my legs and back etc.
Now here is the bit where none of you can judge me. I liked the touching, can you blame me? I have just come out of a long relationship. So... I sort of touched his hands, encouraging him to touch me. After a while of this, he moved my hand to his pants. I won't go into anymore detail but there we were, fooling around under the covers while his girlfriend was asleep next to us. I feel a little guilty but I enjoyed myself. Its the best feeling to be able to make someone else moan from pleasure.
I hope I haven't grossed anyone out hahaha, I know there are some younger ones on here.
Anyway comment what you like, I made choices =]
If your bored of reading it I will hightlight the most exciting/interesting stuff and you can just read those.
Well coz Connor and I broke up, Laura wanted to cheer me up so she invited me down to hers for a girls weekend. Well when I got there we went shopping for outfits we would wear out and new make up and everything so it was going to be a full on fun weekend. Anyway, we started talking about where we were going to go out that night and she just kept on avoiding the question, like all day. So when we got home I was like, so where should we go tonight? I wanted to go clubbing or something like that. Anyway, we sit there for hours while she still avoids the question until finnaly I say "Laura, seriously, where are we going tonight?" and her reply was "ok, the thruth is, I'm disgusting and I shouldn't go out. I'm so fucking fat everyone stares at me. Everyone is so judgemental and they all think I'm so gross. I'm huge" she went on like that for quite a while. Anyway I said "you know you could do something about it". That certainly didn't help.
If I could pick one pet peeve, the one that annoys me most, it would definately be people who complain about being fat, but don't do anything about it. Fuck it annoys me.
So anyway, after ages of her moping around (keep in mind she is meant to be cheering me up) she finally decides she will venture out, to the RSL. For those that don't know, an RSL is a place for the elderly to go and sit around drinking and talking shit. But it was better then nothing so I was like ok. So we went and Cara who lives with Laura came too and we had a few drinks and gambled a bit. It got to 10pm and Laura wanted to go home.... Shes fucking 21 years old not an old women!!! So me being me I was like well I want to have fun so I'll come home later. So they left me there. Alone. In an RSL. I'm so good at being left alone places when I'm drunk. Anyway I had a few more drink, gambled a bit more, chatted to a few people etc. I met these people and this is where my night turns around. They were so fucking fun!!
There was a group of them but the main characters in this story are Christine and Adrian. They are a couple in there 30's who look in there 20's and she was beautiful. Anyway I got chatting to them and we all started dancing and it was so fun. By this time I was trashed! It got to 1am and we had to leave so we stumbled down to the curtesy bus to go to a pub. Out of all the pubs there are, Christine picks the one that she is banned from to go to. I later found out it was because she punched someone in the throught there hahaha. Anyway so we get in a fight with the security guard and everyone in the pub knew Christine and were yelling at the poor security guy to let us in, I felt sorry for him.
Anyway moving alone, there was this guy there called Liam and he was talking to Christine and Adrian kept trying to pull her away to leave coz the security was getting the shits. Anyway Liam jumps over the balcony of the pub and starts a punch up with Adrian! It was so crazy like 5 more guys jumped over the balcony to stop them and the sucurity guy came running over. Anyway we definalty had to go then.
Anyway we were walking away to go to Adrians house and he had the shits so bad, it was a little awkward for me but I got over it. We got to Adrians house and there were these three guys just sitting there getting stoned! hahahahah god it was funny! Anyway this is apparently pretty normal for them and thats all they ever do, which changes it from funny to really quite sad. Anyway we sat with them for a while then the Christine, Adrian and I went to the bedroom and what do you know? They want a threesome. I'm not going to lie, I wanted one too, anyway those two starting fighting again so it didn't happen. But we all slept in one bed and Adrian was in the middle and touched me all night like up my legs and back etc.
Now here is the bit where none of you can judge me. I liked the touching, can you blame me? I have just come out of a long relationship. So... I sort of touched his hands, encouraging him to touch me. After a while of this, he moved my hand to his pants. I won't go into anymore detail but there we were, fooling around under the covers while his girlfriend was asleep next to us. I feel a little guilty but I enjoyed myself. Its the best feeling to be able to make someone else moan from pleasure.
I hope I haven't grossed anyone out hahaha, I know there are some younger ones on here.
Anyway comment what you like, I made choices =]
Saturday, September 18, 2010
OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK OMG
all this time I thought the scales had just been lying to me, coz I thought theres no way I have lost all that weight coz I don't see any difference BUT guess what I am wearing right now...
MY FIRST GOAL JEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I rememebr when I couldn't get them over my thighs, now I'm wearing them comfortably
Its only one goal out of many but still, YAY
all this time I thought the scales had just been lying to me, coz I thought theres no way I have lost all that weight coz I don't see any difference BUT guess what I am wearing right now...
MY FIRST GOAL JEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I rememebr when I couldn't get them over my thighs, now I'm wearing them comfortably
Its only one goal out of many but still, YAY
Replies2
Once again I have become terribly slack with replying to all your beautiful comments so here goes:
Sarah- Yes I am very very excited, it will be so good to get away from here, away from everything. Just two 18 year olds living it up. It will be so good.
BellaAna- Thanks for the encouragement sugar
Goal_Thin- Haha this comment made me laugh which is really what I need so thanks, FUCK YEAH!! hehehehe
Acka11- Thanks beautiful, do I follow your blog?
Ava-Rose- Thanks, I hope I will feel better. But really, breaking up with Connor has made me not eat, I'm not sure why, I might write a post about it.
Goal_Thin- Thank you so much, you really sound like type of friend I love, one who always looks on the bright side! Yes I guess Mum has noticed, and quite a few other people often comment on my weight. But if you go back to an older post, there are pics of me, and you will see, I'm really not thin. Yea I know I have you guys thanks, it's just that I would like to physically hang out with someone, like not ti talk about shit like I can on here, just to chill. P.s do I follow your blog?
Sarah- Yes I am very very excited, it will be so good to get away from here, away from everything. Just two 18 year olds living it up. It will be so good.
BellaAna- Thanks for the encouragement sugar
Goal_Thin- Haha this comment made me laugh which is really what I need so thanks, FUCK YEAH!! hehehehe
Acka11- Thanks beautiful, do I follow your blog?
Ava-Rose- Thanks, I hope I will feel better. But really, breaking up with Connor has made me not eat, I'm not sure why, I might write a post about it.
Goal_Thin- Thank you so much, you really sound like type of friend I love, one who always looks on the bright side! Yes I guess Mum has noticed, and quite a few other people often comment on my weight. But if you go back to an older post, there are pics of me, and you will see, I'm really not thin. Yea I know I have you guys thanks, it's just that I would like to physically hang out with someone, like not ti talk about shit like I can on here, just to chill. P.s do I follow your blog?
Friday, September 17, 2010
lonely
I'm so fucking lonely. I wish I had a friend, one person I could hang out with, spend time with. Intead I'm sitting here on my computer on a friday night waiting and wishing for some guy to text me back. Fuck I'm desperate. It's sad.
Mum came in to my room and asked if I wanted dinner, once again, I said no. My brain wasn't working so I didn't say "no thanks, I already ate" or "no thanks, I'm not feeling well" instead i just said "no".
Well she gave me this weird look, then she spotted one of my so carefully hidden (there just on my desk lol) signs that says YOU ARE FAT! She tells me its bad, and to get rid of them, write something positive she said. What positive thing could I write? I lost some weight or I didn't eat today. Pretty sure thats not the type of positive she means.
She looked at me, and she said "are you starving yourself?" I wanted to say:
"YES MUM!!! ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND! I HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE!! I WANT TO WASTE AWAY, I FUCKING LOVE FEELING OF BEING SO SICK THAT I CAN'T EAT. YES I'm FUCKING STARVING!!!!"
"But of course, I said "no"
Just a plain and simple no. I don't really care if she believes me or not. It's not like it matters.
Todays food
rockmelon and plain salad- havent worked out the cals, less then 200cal
Sorry for the sad post
xxx
Mum came in to my room and asked if I wanted dinner, once again, I said no. My brain wasn't working so I didn't say "no thanks, I already ate" or "no thanks, I'm not feeling well" instead i just said "no".
Well she gave me this weird look, then she spotted one of my so carefully hidden (there just on my desk lol) signs that says YOU ARE FAT! She tells me its bad, and to get rid of them, write something positive she said. What positive thing could I write? I lost some weight or I didn't eat today. Pretty sure thats not the type of positive she means.
She looked at me, and she said "are you starving yourself?" I wanted to say:
"YES MUM!!! ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND! I HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE!! I WANT TO WASTE AWAY, I FUCKING LOVE FEELING OF BEING SO SICK THAT I CAN'T EAT. YES I'm FUCKING STARVING!!!!"
"But of course, I said "no"
Just a plain and simple no. I don't really care if she believes me or not. It's not like it matters.
Todays food
rockmelon and plain salad- havent worked out the cals, less then 200cal
Sorry for the sad post
xxx
weightloss update
I have now lost 11kgs (24.2lbs)
I am still a fucking whale.
I won't ruin it this time.
I will be thin
I am still a fucking whale.
I won't ruin it this time.
I will be thin
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I had a whole in my heart
food intake-
rockmelon and strawberries.
total- 520kjs (123cals)
I got out of dinner again so that good, told mum I already ate.
I got my waxs and nails done, tomoro is spray tan =]
Today my holiday with my good friend Nina got booked... HOLY FUCK I"M EXCITED!!!
We leave on the 5th!!! Thats like 16 days!!!!!
lalalala
hello new follower, welcome to my world
rockmelon and strawberries.
total- 520kjs (123cals)
I got out of dinner again so that good, told mum I already ate.
I got my waxs and nails done, tomoro is spray tan =]
Today my holiday with my good friend Nina got booked... HOLY FUCK I"M EXCITED!!!
We leave on the 5th!!! Thats like 16 days!!!!!
lalalala
hello new follower, welcome to my world
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
hii
I had work today, I just got home.
Seeing as I have been having a pretty rough time lately I have decided to have a beauty day tomorrow and friday. So I'm booked in for a full leg wax, brazilian, full set of nails and a spray tan on friday =]
Then I'm going to Laura's for the weekend and were going to Luna Park.
I realised I have been forgetting to write what I have eaten each day so here goes:
Muffin- 700kjs (166cals)
Strawberrys- 150kjs (35cals)
Baby Food- 174kjs (41cals)
2x Coke Zero- 16kjs (3cals)
Total- 1040kjs (247cals)
Not sure if I can get out of dinner though, if I can it will have been a good day.
~UPDATE~ I got out of dinner =]
Anyway this is the first day since Connor and I broke up that I haven't cried hysterically for hours so things are getting better. My friend and I are going to Queensland in about 3 weeks so that should be really fun. It's just what I need, to get away from this town for a while and just chill with someone I know is truely my friend.
xx
Seeing as I have been having a pretty rough time lately I have decided to have a beauty day tomorrow and friday. So I'm booked in for a full leg wax, brazilian, full set of nails and a spray tan on friday =]
Then I'm going to Laura's for the weekend and were going to Luna Park.
I realised I have been forgetting to write what I have eaten each day so here goes:
Muffin- 700kjs (166cals)
Strawberrys- 150kjs (35cals)
Baby Food- 174kjs (41cals)
2x Coke Zero- 16kjs (3cals)
Total- 1040kjs (247cals)
Not sure if I can get out of dinner though, if I can it will have been a good day.
~UPDATE~ I got out of dinner =]
Anyway this is the first day since Connor and I broke up that I haven't cried hysterically for hours so things are getting better. My friend and I are going to Queensland in about 3 weeks so that should be really fun. It's just what I need, to get away from this town for a while and just chill with someone I know is truely my friend.
xx
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Single Me
Comment replies
Pixistix_014- pretty sure I'm in love with you! You made me laugh so much! Thank you thank you! Wow, that jiggling thing is horrible. Actually, Connor has now become my ex. Read this post to find out more. xxx
So Connor and I broke up. It turns out he has been texting and even sending pics to someone else. I'm so hurt. I don't understand it. He always said he was so so in love with me. Why would he do this? I can't believe he would do something like this to me. I really feel like I don't know him at all. Like the person I thought I knew wouldn't do that to me. Why would he do this after more then a year with me? It's fucked.
I found out all this stuff yesterday off Elissa. When I told people (Mum and Laura) they both said "your not even friends with Elissa, how do you know its true". I said she wouldn't do that to me. I know she wouldn't do that to me. Connor admitted it anyway.
So I'm single, I have no friends, in 2 weeks I will be unemployed and broke. I love life.
Pixistix_014- pretty sure I'm in love with you! You made me laugh so much! Thank you thank you! Wow, that jiggling thing is horrible. Actually, Connor has now become my ex. Read this post to find out more. xxx
So Connor and I broke up. It turns out he has been texting and even sending pics to someone else. I'm so hurt. I don't understand it. He always said he was so so in love with me. Why would he do this? I can't believe he would do something like this to me. I really feel like I don't know him at all. Like the person I thought I knew wouldn't do that to me. Why would he do this after more then a year with me? It's fucked.
I found out all this stuff yesterday off Elissa. When I told people (Mum and Laura) they both said "your not even friends with Elissa, how do you know its true". I said she wouldn't do that to me. I know she wouldn't do that to me. Connor admitted it anyway.
So I'm single, I have no friends, in 2 weeks I will be unemployed and broke. I love life.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Hmm
Comment replies:
Summer Rose- They were all marketing and promotions jobs
Pixiestix_014 - I am actually finished school, 13years of school, and I am finally finished. Its a beautiful thing
Eibbroc- Thanks you darling, they all went well
Geriisan- No blog is pathetic, we all start somewhere. I'm sure you and I will get along swimmingly!
I am at work and I am terribly bored. I have had 3305kjs today and i will have another 174 soon. Thats one baby food.
Connor said something heartbreaking today. I was stupidly putting a piece of chocolate in my mouth and he said "don't, you'll get fatter"
OH MY GOD!
Anyway he was like "That just came out I'm sorry I meant to say you'll get fat, not fatter, I'm sorry" and he went on like that for a while but he had already made me upset.
I really hate myself. I wanted to cut again the other night but I didn't.
I feel so dumb.
Summer Rose- They were all marketing and promotions jobs
Pixiestix_014 - I am actually finished school, 13years of school, and I am finally finished. Its a beautiful thing
Eibbroc- Thanks you darling, they all went well
Geriisan- No blog is pathetic, we all start somewhere. I'm sure you and I will get along swimmingly!
I am at work and I am terribly bored. I have had 3305kjs today and i will have another 174 soon. Thats one baby food.
Connor said something heartbreaking today. I was stupidly putting a piece of chocolate in my mouth and he said "don't, you'll get fatter"
OH MY GOD!
Anyway he was like "That just came out I'm sorry I meant to say you'll get fat, not fatter, I'm sorry" and he went on like that for a while but he had already made me upset.
I really hate myself. I wanted to cut again the other night but I didn't.
I feel so dumb.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
HIHI!!
Hello everyone,
I am so sorry I haven't posted in forever but I have been so so so busy. I just got back from sydney where I have been working at the Holiday Super Show. I got offered a job in Sydney at a marketing company but I declined it. It was a waste of my time but oh well.
I have so much to do , I don't know where to start! I will try and catch up on all your blogs sometime this week, I will probs get a chance when I'm at work this week. I miss reading all your thoughts.
Anyway sorry for the shitty post =[
xxx
I am so sorry I haven't posted in forever but I have been so so so busy. I just got back from sydney where I have been working at the Holiday Super Show. I got offered a job in Sydney at a marketing company but I declined it. It was a waste of my time but oh well.
I have so much to do , I don't know where to start! I will try and catch up on all your blogs sometime this week, I will probs get a chance when I'm at work this week. I miss reading all your thoughts.
Anyway sorry for the shitty post =[
xxx
Monday, September 6, 2010
I
I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
I'm Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.
Job
I have a job interview tomorrow in Sydney =]
I am a bit nervous
I hope I get it
Then I can leave school and make the mullah!
I am a bit nervous
I hope I get it
Then I can leave school and make the mullah!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Replies
I have been really slack with replying to comments and I want you all to know I appreciate you so much! So here is a post dedicated to replying to all the comments I have missed.
Sarah- They made me laugh, especially the sex one, good excuse hahaha
Pixiestix_014- I like pears too, really soft, juicey ones YUM! Adriana Lima is a goddess! I think I would yell at her too if I wasn't already yelling at Rihana
Amy- Thank you very much! Yes the sex one suprised me a little haha
Eibbroc- THANK YOU!!!!! and if it helps: YOU ARE A FAT BITCH! STOP EATING!!! If it doesnt help, just ignore that hahaha
Pixiestix_014- I could just add this to the other reply but oh well... My life could be a T.V series hahaha. And thanks, it wasn't much fun =[
BellaAna- I agree, I love the blogger girls. I would love to be your friend! I won't let you down either. I have an ana book, my mum found it but she knows about my ed (obviously because I'm in 'recovery') but she didn't say anything... odd
Thank you for all your comments you are all so kind. Welcome new followers as well, how are you?
xxxx
Sarah- They made me laugh, especially the sex one, good excuse hahaha
Pixiestix_014- I like pears too, really soft, juicey ones YUM! Adriana Lima is a goddess! I think I would yell at her too if I wasn't already yelling at Rihana
Amy- Thank you very much! Yes the sex one suprised me a little haha
Eibbroc- THANK YOU!!!!! and if it helps: YOU ARE A FAT BITCH! STOP EATING!!! If it doesnt help, just ignore that hahaha
Pixiestix_014- I could just add this to the other reply but oh well... My life could be a T.V series hahaha. And thanks, it wasn't much fun =[
BellaAna- I agree, I love the blogger girls. I would love to be your friend! I won't let you down either. I have an ana book, my mum found it but she knows about my ed (obviously because I'm in 'recovery') but she didn't say anything... odd
Thank you for all your comments you are all so kind. Welcome new followers as well, how are you?
xxxx
Dove of hope
Pixiestix_014- Wanna be best friends? hahah thanks for the kind words xx
I'm home now. I think I might go to bed even though its only 4pm. I'm very tired but I also don't want to eat and if I'm sleeping I can't eat.
I might write more later
I'm home now. I think I might go to bed even though its only 4pm. I'm very tired but I also don't want to eat and if I'm sleeping I can't eat.
I might write more later
New Diet
This diet was made up by Sarah, her blog is "How can hearts so young feel so much pain?" and you should all go and follow her. You can see the diet on her page, go find her in my followers if you want to see =]
I'm on day one and I have had 700cals. I'm not very happy with that but whatever. I also didn't weigh in this morning so I've already broken a rule. I think for the checklist I will clean my desk, paint my nails, skull water and blog obviously. Today's challenge is a rest day as it is sunday so that will be easy. I think I will exercise when I get home and incorporate the rest bit by reading a book in bed or something.
I can't wait to go home and stick up signs that say YOU ARE FAT and YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN all over my room. I just printed them off so that will give me something to do when I get home.
Only 20 minutes left of work. Only a few weeks left of school forever! YAY! I'm sick of it. I hate it. I despise it. I hate EVERYTHING about it.
On a happier note, Connor and I have continued planning for next year which makes me excited. I can't wait to move away, make new friends. Of course I'm not going to get to attatched or emotionaly involved with any friends seeing as every friend I have ever had has let me down. Oh well, I'm sure I've let people down too.
It makes me sad because a lady at work has lived here her whole life and she has had most of her friends since she was like 5 years old. It makes me sad because I don't have anyone like that. I don't even have a good friend I've known longer then a couple of years.
Whatever who needs friends anyway?
I'm on day one and I have had 700cals. I'm not very happy with that but whatever. I also didn't weigh in this morning so I've already broken a rule. I think for the checklist I will clean my desk, paint my nails, skull water and blog obviously. Today's challenge is a rest day as it is sunday so that will be easy. I think I will exercise when I get home and incorporate the rest bit by reading a book in bed or something.
I can't wait to go home and stick up signs that say YOU ARE FAT and YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN all over my room. I just printed them off so that will give me something to do when I get home.
Only 20 minutes left of work. Only a few weeks left of school forever! YAY! I'm sick of it. I hate it. I despise it. I hate EVERYTHING about it.
On a happier note, Connor and I have continued planning for next year which makes me excited. I can't wait to move away, make new friends. Of course I'm not going to get to attatched or emotionaly involved with any friends seeing as every friend I have ever had has let me down. Oh well, I'm sure I've let people down too.
It makes me sad because a lady at work has lived here her whole life and she has had most of her friends since she was like 5 years old. It makes me sad because I don't have anyone like that. I don't even have a good friend I've known longer then a couple of years.
Whatever who needs friends anyway?
hmm
As of today, I have no friends. Not one.
The only person outside of my family who gives a shit about me is Connor.
So after Elissa left me alone in the city last night, Dad gave me a lecture... it went like this:
"I cannot stress this enough, no matter how much you might dislike a person at the time, you NEVER leave then alone in the city. NEVER. You make sure they get home safe and then just don't talk to them the next day. Leaving someone alone in the city is something that you just dont do"
It went on a lot longer then that, my reply was:
"Dad, I would never do that. I have been in a situation where I would like to do that but I didn't"
Needless to say he was happy about that.
As I was drunk and alone in the middle of the city with no phone and minimal money, I got scared. I found a pay phone and the only number I could remember was Connor's home number. Now of course I didn't have any money so I had to 1800 reverse them. For peolpe who don't know thats where you can make a phone call and the person who answers takes the charge. So anyway I called and his mum answered. It was around midnight. Anyway Connor was so worried he called my mum, who said call Laura, who said call Dad, so by now, the whole family is worried about me. Of course I eventually got home but I had no money for cabs so I had to get the train alone.
My family and Connors family were very angry at Elissa. Dad even said shes not welcome at his house anymore, not because he doesn't like her as a person, but because its the second time something like this has happened.
Anyway today I'm not eating. I might have an apple later.
The only person outside of my family who gives a shit about me is Connor.
So after Elissa left me alone in the city last night, Dad gave me a lecture... it went like this:
"I cannot stress this enough, no matter how much you might dislike a person at the time, you NEVER leave then alone in the city. NEVER. You make sure they get home safe and then just don't talk to them the next day. Leaving someone alone in the city is something that you just dont do"
It went on a lot longer then that, my reply was:
"Dad, I would never do that. I have been in a situation where I would like to do that but I didn't"
Needless to say he was happy about that.
As I was drunk and alone in the middle of the city with no phone and minimal money, I got scared. I found a pay phone and the only number I could remember was Connor's home number. Now of course I didn't have any money so I had to 1800 reverse them. For peolpe who don't know thats where you can make a phone call and the person who answers takes the charge. So anyway I called and his mum answered. It was around midnight. Anyway Connor was so worried he called my mum, who said call Laura, who said call Dad, so by now, the whole family is worried about me. Of course I eventually got home but I had no money for cabs so I had to get the train alone.
My family and Connors family were very angry at Elissa. Dad even said shes not welcome at his house anymore, not because he doesn't like her as a person, but because its the second time something like this has happened.
Anyway today I'm not eating. I might have an apple later.
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